Friday, May 27

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 7)

(Sigh. So today Michael McDonald & I are going to try to partake of the attractions at Epcot Center, initiating the healing of my debilitating Dipset addiction, hopefully without getting lasers blasted at us by Epcot's animatronic cyborg security detail.)

First thing Mike says:
"Hey buddy, you're not lookin' too hot. But I got just what you need."
And he pulls out a chrome-plated flask, embossed holographically with his likeness, and he takes a prolonged pull off its contents. Then he thrusts it in my face, jostling it side to side to ensure that I can see the chrome glisten and his holographic head-image wobble.

Killer Mike ft Big Boi & Sleepy Brown - My Chrome
"What's in it?" I ask.
"Well, buddy, only the most brand new secret Internet Google Internet Wine Cooler! It tastes like Bartles & James, but it's 333 proof! Just what you need right now!"
On the inside, I disagreed. I'm still hung over as hell from the night before. And while usually I'm totally invulnerable to peer pressure, with Michael McDonald... Well... He's such a terrific singer... And when it comes to secret Google, he's one of the best... So...
"Gulp gulp. COUGH COUGH!"
"Ha haa. Attababy! WOO! "

And with that off we go to Epcot. We start off in the Wonders of Life area. First up is Cranium Command, which involves entering the brain of a 12-year-old boy.

Shit, I wish I could command my cranium to stop wanting to listen to the Dipset! I wish I could command Michael McDonald's cranium to stop commanding my cranium to drink his wine cooler! I don't care if its secret Internet google cheat internet wine cooler! That shit is GROSS!

"Here ya go buddy, take a swig!"
"Dude, I don't want any! And I think you oughtta think about stopping too."
"OO... OK Mr. Player Hater! You don't have to drink any if you don't wanna. More for me, brah! GULP GULP"
Pimp C, Big Moe, & Big Boom - Mr. Player Hater

Next, we went to The American Adventure, a tour through various Disney-fied animatronic scenes from American history, guided by animatronic replicas of Mark Twain and Ben Franklin. It'd be hard enough to enjoy this if I wasn't feeling stupid for player-hating on Michael McDonald (something I never thought I'd do), but, to make matters worse, watching the animatronic Ben Franklin scares me down to my bones. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I think the animatronic Ben is about to attack me. I just hope that that fucker doesn't start blasting lasers at me. I think Mike is too drunk to defend me this time!

And I was thinking: Maan, those Epcot Imagineer motherfuckers have some nerve. Ben Franklin was a founding father, a scientist, a witty writer, and a suave ladies' man (despite being chubby and bald). How dare they replicate him animatronically!?! Have they no shame?!? Is there anybody out there whose spot they don't think they can fill with some crappy animatronic automaton? I mean, if they want to replace the whole human race, why don't they fill our spots with a real live person? Somebody better than us, capable of filling everyone's spot? Like Juelz!
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
Judging from how well Juelz fills Luda's spot on the #1 Spot/Austin Powers beat, I think he's proven himself capable of taking over everyone's spot. Let him take Luda's spot, let him take Mike Myers' spot, let him take Snoop's spot, let him take Rakim's spot. And he's more than welcome to my spot. I have no doubt he'll do a better job of being me than I am doing right now! I can't even stop posting Dipset even though I'm supposed to be in Dipset Detox. At least Mike is too drunk to notice that I fell off the no-Dipset wagon again.

And then we went on this ride:

HOLD UP! Why are we riding past Golden Gate Bridge? Where am I? Am I at Epcot Center or am I home in San Francisco? Am I starting my journey of Dipset Detox all over again? Holy shit can you see how intense Epcot Center is they just blew my mind?!
Hall & Oates - Starting All Over Again (Screwed by OG Ron C)
(thanks to Pearsall for this one!)


Anonymous Mya said...

Man... I would love to get twisted with you.

6:24 AM  
Blogger Steve Austin said...

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7:51 PM  

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