Monday, April 25

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 4)


If you read pt 2 of this series, you will remember how Prince adopted haplodiploid reproduction to birth autopian communist colony of his own offspring.

A colony of Princes? What could possibly disrupt such an artistic juggernaut? Unfortunately, an inquiline with sufficient resourses and ingenuity to mimic Prince's pheromones could usurp control of Prince's beloved offspring and bring about Prince's tragic artistic decline. My secret internet Google cheat codes have revealed this depressing tale to me, which I will now blog for you.

No one person is evil, rich, and resourceful enough to perpetrate such a heinous act of larceny.
The unholy alliance of two persons -- Michael Eisner & Bill Gates -- sadly, was:

Eisner is 2nd from the left in these pictures. Gates is 4th from left.

Eisner & Gates parasitized the workers and drones of Prince's colony, and set to exploiting their unrivaled talents to serve the nefarious musical & sound design needs of the Microsoft & Disney empires. No longer would they bless the world with their virtuous renderings of Prince's compositions. Now they would record the soundtrack for "Snow Dogs" and "The Lion King on Ice". Now they would provide the sound effects for Excel's dancing trashcan robot & Powerpoint's dissolve transitions... As I type, I shudder at the injustice of it!


Prince, as you might imagine, was heartbroken. But do you think he gave up? Do you not think that this is a rhetorical question? Prince didn't cry like a little bitch. Prince got pro-active. Prince watched the movie Dr. Phibes .

& he jammed to the tunes recorded by Phibes' robot band, The Clockwork Wizards (streamable here ).

Like Phibes, Prince had been wronged. Unlike Phibes, Prince did not want to flamboyantly execute those by whom he had been wronged. He, as always, went from negative to positive. After teaching himself the most arcane inner workings of cybernetics, he built his own robot band, even awesomer than Phibes', and began to try to communicate with his stolen brood via the medium through which he knew he could reach them: music. To give you a sense of the depth of his science, check out these pictures:


Prince & his robots wrote & recorded songs about the topics that Prince knew were dear to the hearts of his young, and which would remind them of the good old days when they were his. Maybe this would free them from corporate control!
The topics were:
Electrical auto-erotic appliances:
Vibrator - Prince
Oneiristic incest:
Wet Dream Cousin - Prince
Wailin' guitars:
You - Prince

But, perhaps inevitably, Prince and his automata settled into working with each other. Here the group celebrates their harmony & mutual admiration, which grew to rival the bond Prince had shared with the stolen members of his utopian communist colony :
We Got the Power - Prince

As successful as Prince's robot band eventually became, Prince dreamed of freeing his offspring.

NEXT TIME: Will Prince free his offspring?!?! Find out in the 5th & final installment in this series!


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