Thursday, April 28

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 5)


You may be confused. If you've not yet read pt 1 of this series, may I suggest that you do so now? Suffice it to say that at this point in the story (which I am able to tell you now because of secret internet google cheat code secrets) Prince has constructed a robot band, and is recording songs in an effor to lure his haplodiploid offspring away from Michael Eisner & Bill Gates.

Prince & his robot band toiled & toiled, trying to record the magic song that would free Prince's offspring from the pheromonal mind-control exerted upon them by Michael Eisner, Bill Gates, & their evil murine minions.

Prince tried guilt-tripping them.

Old Friends 4 Sale - Prince

No dice. No magic.

He tried to remind his drones & workers how much funner partying with him was than partying with Eisner. Eisner doesn't party!
Partyman - Prince

Again: futile. Eisner et al cackled cruelly.


& so now, Prince resolved to pull out all the stops. Seeking to record a song that simply described the state in which his young'ns were, Prince and the robots would use a style originated by a group of German men who had delusions of being robots, a style which when later sampled & recontextualized into an urban context, often inspired listeners to dance like robots! Can't miss, right?
Possessed - Prince

WRONG! Prince was stymied! Where was his magic song?


So, you know Prince is going to succeed right? But do you know how? I will tell you!
Oh, hold up real quick, I gotta go move my girlfriend's car. Blasted streetcleaning!

OK. Here's how Prince gets a happy ending. See, I may have given you the impression that Prince's utopian communist colony of arrhenotokically & thelytokically self-replicated offspring was perfect. I apologise. It was not! There was something subtly off about it. One of those things that is so big that when you're right up close to it, it's hard to see clearly. As he and his robots recorded day & night to make a magic song that would free his offspring, Prince began to get a nagging sense of something very wrong about his relationship with his offspring, something which the more he thought about it, the more he suspected that whatever this problem was, it was what was keeping his songs from being magic. Not Eisner.

But what was it? Prince's frustration and curiosity gnawed at his insides. Finally, Prince realized that he would have to listen to his conscience, or as Prince would call it, his "inside voice"
The Inside Voice - Prince

And now, thanks to totally awesome top top secret internet google secret search secret cheat code secrets (here's how it works:

enter this sequence via your mouse & keypad Soon you'll be cheating too!(may not work for PDAs or computers with trackball mice(sorry!))), I can reveal to you what Prince's inside voice looks like:

This is Prince's inside voice.

Prince's inside voice told him: "Prince, shame on you! You're no better than Eisner! When your offspring served at the whim of your musical genius, they were no less slaves than they are now, recording soundtracks for Michael Eisner. Maybe if you were thinking for once about what they wanted rather than what they could do for you, than maybe they would come back. If you love someone, set them free! Free free set them free!"

Prince realized that this had been the problem all along! Prince realized that if his offspring wanted to come back to him was totally up to them! At this point, Prince felt an incredible surge of well-being. A hippy might say that he had found nirvana. But Prince, being exceedingly more grounded than a stupid hippy and also into science, preferred to refer to his good feelings by an accurate description of their neural substrate: dopamine. And then Prince, being Prince, wrote an awesome song about it:

The Dopamine Rush Suite - Prince

And Prince's offspring heard the song. It made them feel good, because they knew Prince wanted them to be free and feel good. And it made Prince feel even more good that his offspring felt good about his coming around to respect and cherish their freedom!

It was a magic song!
Prince's offspring were free!
Prince was siked!!!!!! This is how he looked on the inside:

Many of Prince's offspring went back to him of their own free will. Others went on to autonomous careers in the entertainment industry:

And Prince was happy for them!


No. I'll do some more wierd Prince posts for sure. But not for a while.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

is prince's inner voice a mindflayer??? =:O


4:50 PM  

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