Friday, May 26

Prince, reduced to a symbol, invents strategies to avoid a deficit (pt 19)

"Burt?" asked Carl Weathers, unsure, "Is that you, Burt?"

Peedi Crakk - Is this the end?
Peedi Crakk - Stick em up
Peedi Crakk ft Sparks & Beanie Siegel- Blame it on the rock
Lil Boosie & Webbie - Pick you up
Lil Boosie - I wonder if God love me
Public Enemy - Yo! Bum rush the show

βurt internalized a panic: "SCHHHITTT! Did I just fuck up my βeta-test? Prince told me not to get spotted, but now here comes Carl Weathers. I wonder who else spotted me, and if they know I got no i.d., and if the Sam's Club security is gonna pick me & stick me up, and bum's rush me straight into Sam's club jail. Is this the end of my βeta-test? And is Prince gonna blame it on me?"

But meanwhile, Carl Weathers was gonna do something about it, and also to say something about it: " No. You're not even the Burt Young I used to know. You're like Prince! You're... βeta-urt now! You're just a symbol: you are what you mean, what you represent. You're like Prince, or whatever he calls himself now, that formerly shit. I fucking hate artists."

Thursday, May 25

Prince, reduced to a symbol, invents strategies to avoid a deficit (pt 18)

"Prince Prince PRINCE, help me! " Burt Young entreated repeatedly.

"Hey βurtrand , what's the rumpus?"

"HEY PRINCE! There you are! Where are you? You sound wierd. My fake Sam's club card is getting wierd interference."

"Wha? Oh,, that. Yeah, that's cause I'm in space! On the surface of the sun. Makin money, ridin high!"

8ball & MJG - Ridin high

Prince - Space (Universal Love Remix)
Prince - Space (Acoustic Remix)

"Prince what the fuck? Why are you on the sun? I'm down here βtesting at Sam's, and they got deez nuts. All I need is your help. Can I get some help down here?"

Method Man ft Mary J Blige - All I need (screwed & chopped by DJ Screw)

Shawnna ft Pimp C, Lil Wayne, Pharell, Ludacris - Gettin some (remix)

"βurt, lemme explain. I'm up here on the sun. I read somewhere that uncertainty is $$, so I devised a deficit-circumnavigating-strategy harnessing the power of starspots to systematically disrupt the radar guns scouts point at pitchers so they don't know the velocity of the balls. So y would I help you when I can get money fabricating unknownness on the baseball diamond?"

Prince - Y would I do that when I can do this?

"Wha?!?!?" βurt's voice gets real whiney at the possibility of desertion.

"Calm down, lil buddy. I'm just playing. While you were doubting my dedication to the Sam's strategy, I was using secret apple to implant a secret, subliminal, secret Apple II++++ ++computer+++, deez-nut-palatability-reduction fantasy baseball fantasy into your mind. Deez nuts will trouble you no longer. Burt, you may not know it, but you're doing pretty well at Sam's. I think my fake Sam's card strategy will be ready to make money soon. All you need to do is make sure nobody spots you. If you can manage that, your βtest will've been successful."

"Ok, Prince thanks I'll try."
"Hey Burt, is that you?"

OH SNAP IT's CARL WEATHERS! There goes Carl Weathers, shopping with a cart so full of yogurt. Yogurt everywhere, even on his mind.

"Yeah, hey Carl, huh huh,"
said Burt with a nervous laugh, thinking: "what am I gonna do now? I've been spotted!"

Thursday, May 18

Prince, reduced to a symbol, invents strategies to avoid a deficit (pt 17)

"It's so hard to hold offa deez n.u.t.'s!
Mac Dre - So Hard
Mac Dre ft Richie Rich, Miami - Hold off

I see too many nuts! Sam's mgmt. has violated the nut-numerosity checkpoint, puttin all deez bargain nuts out here. B ut I'm the one getting blasted with the secret military nut-optical incapacitator. I don't know if I'll be able to see for much longer!"

Cyclo. - C2

Cyclo. - C4 (Cyclo. = Ryoji Ikeda + Carsten Nikolai (but they sound a lil Rick Rockish if you ask me))
And sure enough, all deez extreme nut options made Burt Young go blind. Now, we all know from our current events that when we can't really see we often see what we want ourselves to see. Now I won't claim to say I can see what βlind βurt Young is seeing in his mind right now, so the speculation below ought to be taken with many grains of salts (so maybe you want to eat some nuts before you scroll further down, because they got lots of salts).

Prince - Van Gogh

If I had to guess what βurt Young is seeing right now (in his mind because he's temporarily blind), I think he'd be seeing what for him would be the ideal Sam's club product: The secret Sam's Sam's Internet secret head replacement protocol. Why? Well, as an actor, a momentary perusal of Burt's imdb entry should suffice to convince you that Burt's oeurve has been a bit stunted. Constrained. By which I mean: Burt hasn't gotten all the roles I feel he has deserved over the years. For whatever reason, be it height, ethnicity, casting directors have decided that Burt had the wrong bodyparts for the acting parts they were auditioning and so chose other, often inferior talents (which may well explain why βurt so eagerly accepted when Prince chose him to be the βtester).

But by using these secret Sam's putative head-replacement protocols, Burt could have the body he needs to get the parts he wants!

Because then βurt could put his head on whatever body, like Robocop! He could even use his head for extra parts, like if Robocop needs an extra leg! There it is! He could be the perfect Robocop!

And if he were just a little bit taller, then maybe he could be a baller, or at least play one in the movies.

If you'd just let him, Burt Young can be the baller, and he can be the balls. (these Jordan jams are brought from Karthik Pandian's Slow Jamz brought to the internet by MBS).

With this head replacement kit, Burt Young could branch out and branch his career exuberantly. Why won't you let him? Also, why is Prince forsaking his βtester?

Monday, May 15

Prince, reduced to a symbol, invents strategies to avoid a deficit (pt 16)

Burt young pressed his fake Sam's card flush against his temple, and thought, loudly, "Prince Prince PRINCE, help me!
Prince - If I could get your attention

Deez nuts are killin me! Prince, I know you already know: once you eat one peanut, you triple up and eat three more. After which it just gets viciouslier exponentiallier: peanut times three to the peanut power (ie, Δdeeznuts = peanut*3peanutpower)"
Cam'ron ft 40 Cal - Triple Up

"What'll that do to my health, my salary, my personality? My smooth musculature?!?!"

Cam'ron - I.B.S.

(hereby my review© of Killa Season, as follow:
-I need to see this film 10-100 more times before I write a review of this film
-in the littany of diagnostic technologies Cam recites in I.B.S., when he says "M.I.R.", he is not referring to the kommiekosmonaut space station, I don't think.
-besides, my best friend Takashi Miike has declassified a special secret collabrosecret® to me. He's doing the sequel, Killa Season 12: Season the Killa Killa, a preview of which a preview you are now looking at a preview12 of:)

Mac Dre ft E-40 - Let yourself go
Mac Dre - Get dookie wid it (cheers to)
Why is Prince forsaking Burt, his betatester? That voice in Burt's mind telling himself to let himself go & get dookie wid it on some peanuts is not the voice of Prince, I don't think.

Wednesday, May 10

Prince, reduced to a symbol, invents strategies to avoid a deficit (pt 15)

"Hot damn! Get a load of deez (bargain Super Deluxe gourmet) nuts! And I never seen doze (Macadamia) Nuts in my whole life! And holy shit 52 oz of Peanuts!?!?!?!

"I need to be more people put all of that away. Say, maybe if I could have twins of myself..."

Arto Lindsay - Personagem
Arto Lindsay - Twins

But that's a lotta salt I bet."

Indeed, there is a lot of salt in a 52 oz peanut cannister

Arto Lindsay - Salt

So salty, in fact, that if you took each grain of salt and laid them out in a 1-crystal-thick straight line, and then walked to the end of the line, well, I bet you'd learn something new once you got to the end of the line!

Milky-chu - I'm walking to the old school

Burt Young, still craving some salt, wandered past Sam's weaponry section.

E-40 - Dump, bust, blast

And Burt Young already knows that feeling all too well, from before with the candy. Burt's salivator glands are making that sound they make when something becomes irresistable. Prince'll have to save him from the nuts.

Arto Lindsay - Make that sound
Prince - Irresistible bitch