Wednesday, June 29

dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 20)

So, like I said, Michael McDonald is a human screwtape right now. Slowed down, Mike comes across as a very deep thinker, and we've had some very illuminating conversations. But now Mike's gotta speed back up. We have to go back to Epcot Center to get our revenge.

This is it - Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald (screwed) (This track brought to you by Nat ASilentFlute (THANKS DUDE!))

This is it! We gotta get our revenge. Those Epcot imagineers tricked Mike into bombarding his brains with magnetic waves and their animatronic henchmen almost blasted me to death with lasers! Also, they plan to replace everybody in the human race with animatronic replicas!

And, as cool as Mike is as a human screwtape, there's no way he can fight those Epcot imagineer fuckers all slow like this.
"Mike, we gotta get you back up to normal speed. It's time for some aerobic exercise. I'll put on some hot dance music for you to jam to!"
R.J.'s Latest Arrival - Aerobic Dancing (Keep Dancing) (screwed)

"Mike, what are you stopping for? KEEP DANCING!"
"But... I'm.... tired...."

Wow, Mike is really out of shape!
"I... have... to... stop... dancing..."
"This... is.... TORTURE...."
The Jacksons - Torture (screwed)
"Oh, c'mon, Mike! Since when was dancing torture? Don't be such a baby! Did I bitch when you made me chug so much Secret Internet Google Wine Cooler that I was hallucinating?"

OK, Mike seems to be getting back up to speed. Now, I just need to play him something really agressive to make him want to waste those Epcot Center guys. And who better to make you want to beat the shit out of somebody than David Banner?

David Banner - No Mo (Bitch What)
David Banner ft 8Ball- My Gun
(The first one is old -- from his 1st solo album, Them Firewater Boyz, Vol 1. The second one is brand new. I found out about it from Nick Catchdubs(Check for some more Banner over at Cocaine Blunts ))

WHOA! That did the trick! Now Michael McDonald is ready to throw down!

"Let's get em, Mike!"

Sunday, June 26

dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 19)

Michael McDonald is talking real slow. R. Kelly headbutted him so hard that he turned into a human screwtape. And I know that may not seem like such a good thing, but I have to say that the slowdown seems to have benefitted Mike immensely.

Doobie Bros. - What a fool believes (screwed)
I've always held Mike's singing and his secret Internet Google cheat code secrets in the highest esteem, but, to be honest, I've never really thought of him as a particularly deep thinker. But now that he is talking so slow and so low, everything he's saying seems so profound! Was he always this deep at normal speed, and I just didn't notice because I listened too slow? I guess I may never know!

Michael McDonald - I keep forgetting (screwed)
So that you, the internet reader, can share in the amazing rennaisance that Mike's slow talking and singing has engendered, I have screwed some classic Michael McDonald 7"'s. Bear in mind that these mp3s sound almost exactly like Michael McDonald sounds to me as I am taking to him now. Depicted below is some of the equipment that was involved in bringing these slow mp3s to the internet.

Michael McDonald - Sweet Freedom/The Freedom Eights (screwed)

Has freedom ever sounded any sweeter? "The Freedom Eights" is the B side of the Sweet Freedom 7". Watch out for Mike's scatting!

Mike is also moving slow. I have lowered the frame rate of the animated gifs to try to convey this impression to you, but I regret to say that this file format fails to properly capture the stately elegance of Mike's slow movements. But if you watch the movie at this site, and replace the diapered trombonist's head with that of Michael McDonald (in your mind's eye, of course, unless you have an incapacity for mental imagery and the appropriate video editing software) and then you can see for yourself how graceful Mike has become.

Thursday, June 23

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 18)

Oh dear! R. Kelly thinks Michael McDonald slept with his woman, that he (Michael McDonald) is the one who left the rubber in his (R. Kelly) bed, the rubber he discovered at the end of "Trapped in the Colset (part 4)"! And now he is acting on that incorrect belief by headbutting the shit out of Michael McDonald!

He's headbutting Michael McDonald's head so hard that Michael McDonald's head is flopping and deforming like an underinflated basketball! Now Michael McDonald is laying on the ground! & R. Kelly is pulling out his beretta! NO!

"NO! R. Kelly, stop it! Don't shoot Michael McDonald! He didn't do it!"
"I think he did!" was R. Kelly's response, lining up Michael McDonald already deeply-traumatized head in his crosshairs.
"No! Michael McDonald has been here with me at Epcot Center for over a month! Look! If you click this link, there is cold, hard proof on the internet!"
R. Kelly, as much as he was lusting for revenge, couldn't argue with the facts: Michael McDonald has an alibi. After going back and reading our entire Epcot Center story, he decided that it was probably the animatronic replica of Mark Twain who had cuckolded him, so he and his Beretta disappeared, seeking vengeance elsewhere.

But Mike was still lying motionless on the ground!
"Mike! Mike! R. Kelly's gone. He isn't going to be headbutting you or shooting you anymore. You can get up now."
"I don't wanna get up...... I'm such a failure..... You are still addicted to Dipset...... I let those ninjas disguised as girls bombard my brains with magnetic waves..... R. Kelly just whipped my ass..... I can't do anything right...... I don't wanna get up..... I wanna be down...."
Brandy - I wanna be down (screwed & chopped by DJ Screw)
Oh no! Michael McDonald seems depressed. And why is he talking so slowly? Did those R. Kelly headbutts damage his brains so bad that it turned him into a human screwtape? And why is it that I feel his sad words hitting me right in the heart? It's like when he talks so slow, my usual cynicism and insensitivity melt away, making my emotions more permeable. What he just said seems seems so unusually poignant to me. Maybe it's like John Wayne used to say:
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much."
Juelz - People use to say

Wednesday, June 22

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 17)

"I've got it!"
"Whatchou got?" asked R. Kelly.
"I know how to help Michael McDonald! I remember this movie, Downtown 81, where Debbie Harry turns into a magic fairy when she kisses Jean-Michel Basquiat, and she gives him money and a car.."
"SO! She must be magic! Maybe she can revive Michael McDonald for me, and tell you who _really_ left that rubber in your bed."
"Ok.." R. Kelly answered but his face was still skeptical, maybe justifiedly. I guess I can't be sure Debbie Harry's magic is powerful enough to cure Michael McDonald's brain: he's been through a lot of neurological trauma. I mean, it's pretty magical to give Jean-Michel Basquiat money and a car, but her powers will need to have improved a lot since them to help Mike.
Juelz - On da spot freestyle
Like, her magic will need to have improved as much as Juelz has since back in the day. Compare the freestyle above ("I will push ya brainy back/with this black stainy mack/you don't wanna play wit dat/I'm a fuckin maniac") with this old track where he raps over the Police's Roxanne guitars ineptly (he ends 7 consecutive bars with the word "winter"!) also it doesn't make Juelz look any better the others on the track are Trina, Pimp C, Bun B, Ludacris, and Cam'ron You've come a long way Juelz! I only hope Debbie Harry's magic has improved as much as your rapping!

I should say: I am with R. Kelly in the lifeguard office just outside the wave pool of Wet & Wild, the water park. We are looking out the window at Debbie Harry, who is surfing in the wavepool, but without a surfboard.

I am trying to find a way to help Michael McDonald, who is unconcious from bonking his head on a brick while riding a waterslide.

Just so you know.

R. Kelly and I have agreed to ask if Debbie Harry can help us with her magic.

But before we leave the guardroom, R. Kelly alerts me to the presence of another person in the wavepool. IT'S PATRICK SWAYZE!! He's sitting on a surfboard. I wonder what he's saying?

Whatever it was, Debbie Harry doesn't seem to want to hear it.

She waves her hand, and a massive shark leaps majestically from the waters. Even more majestically, it bites off Patrick Swayze's head. Most majestic of all, though, are the trajectories of the torrents of blood which surge out of Swayze's neck, fast enough to be high in the air before the shark even falls back into the water. Patrick Swayze must have had high blood pressure. The Wet & Wild wavepool runs red. Oh boy!
E-40 - Oh Boy
(You may have noticed the extreme disparity in quality between the shark picture above and the usual pictures you see here. This is no coincidence, but rather because this picture is by my friend "Bowlegg'd Dieter", whose pictures rule and whose talents seem to go on forever, kind of like the awesome synth-bell tones in this E-40 track. Thanks "Bowlegg'd Dieter"!)

So we go up and ask Debbie Harry to help us, and she's like, "Sure." The three of us walk over to where Michael McDonald's body lies motionless. She gives Michael McDonald a kiss.
Saigon - Kiss the Babies

Then, she starts singing like a crazy laser. I think this is because kissing Michael McDonald has allowed her to sample his brain signals, which she is translating by singing the laser beam vocalizations. It sounds _EXACTLY_ like
Pierre Henry - Fantasia
which Pierre Henry made by similarly translating brainwaves into music. The only difference is that Pierre Henry used a big synthesizer to make the brain waves audible, whereas Debbie Harry is using her voice. So they sound pretty much the same.

Debbie Harry's singing seems to have worked! Michael McDondald has regained consciousness! Also, he seems to be able to move his limbs again! He's not a phantom octopod anymore!!
And with that, Debbie Harry disappears. Damn! Her magic is even better than Secret Google!

But wait! She forgot to tell R. Kelly with whom his woman was cheating on him! Why is he looking at Michael McDonald so suspiciously! Does he think Michael McDonald left that rubber in his bed! Oh no!