Monday, May 30

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 9)

Oy. All this Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler that Michael McDonald is making me drink for thinking about Dipset is starting to make me hallucinate....

When my eyes are open, I see this highly regular sort of fiery looking pattern superimposed on everything I see.

Actually, the pattern looks very much like a sonogram from Movin' Out (Anthony's Song), which I've been staring at a lot ever since I read about it on Boing Boing
Cam'ron & Juelz - You Oughta know

& if I close my eyes, the insides of my eyelids look like:

& sound like
Cam'ron - Mighty Mighty Dipset
Dipset - Dipset Symphony
Keak da Sneak - Super Hyphie

Saturday, May 28

dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 8)

It appears that I have underestimated Michael McDonald. If you're just coming to this url for the first time, just so you know what's going on: he & I have come to Epcot Center to try to cure me of my addiction to the Dipset. It is not working. I have relapsed in every post since we got here, including the last post. I thought I was going to get away with that last relapse, because Mike was too piss drunk on Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler to notice. Boy oh boy was I wrong.

Even though he was too drunk to notice the awesome Juelz track I posted in the last post, at the time, I should've known: if you're a master of secret Google cheat codes like Michael McDonald, it doesn't matter where & when something happened. If you want to know it, you will. And so, now that he has sobered up a little, he has become aware of the massive relapse I had in the last post. And he is doing something about it.

Michael McDonald has responded to my latest relapse by subjecting me to a punitive drinking game.
"OK, buddy. Here's the deal. Every time you think about the Dipset, you take a swig of Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler from my chrome flask."
HOLY SHIT THIS Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler IS GROSS.
I guess I should look on the bright side. This is the first thing Mike has had me do that is even remotely rehabilitative. But this drink is so nasty. It tastes like if they made cranapple-kiwi wine cooler, dumped 17 packets of Sweet -n- Low in, and mixed it in one of Bill Cartwright's old gym socks. Plus it's like 10 times more viscous than Red Bull. Ugh, it's like some crazy hippy drink like Odwalla but it's even worse. And it's 333 proof so I am getting wasted hella fast.
"Aw, don't make those faces, buddy. You're breakin' my heart! You should be glad to be drinking this stuff."
"I don't see why."
"Well, you know how DJ /Rupture makes all those awesome mixes, where he distills the best cross section from like every good genre of music, and then assembles them into coherent, compelling wholes ( Gold Teeth Thief part A, Gold Teeth Thief part B, The Minesweeper Suite, Resonance Fm Mix, Back to the Basics mix) that are greater than the sum of the parts?
"Of course I do. So does everybody. Those links are probably the most gratuitous thing in the whole internet! What's your point?"
"Ok, buddy, ok... Well, this Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler is another example of supralinear summation, except for booze instead of music."
I really don't know what Mike is thinking. This Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler may be a mix of a lot of stuff like a /Rupture mix, but this mix is totally gross. And I have to drink it every time I think of Dipset?!!?
It's like when they say don't think of an elephant. You always do think of an elephant. I don't even need cheat codes to know that you just thought of an elephant.

And right now I can't help but think about that awesome Juelz track from the last post.
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot

What if Juelz really did take everyone's spot? Can you imagine how much better the world would be? Like, think about how crappy the world political situation is right now. For instance, did you hear that the numblehead analysts whose analysis allowed the Bush administration to bullshit about those aluminum tubes have been recieving job performance awards for the last 3 years?!! How mad does that lack of accountability make you?
Well, if Santana took the spot of those analysts' superiors, you can bet they wouldn't be getting any awards. And if Santana had the analysts' spot they wouldn't have made the mistake in the first place. And if Santana had taken the spots of all the world leaders, this whole conflict could've been avoided! Think how great it would be if Santana took EVERYONE'S SPOT!
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
Ugh. I have to drink again.

& again.
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
& again.

Ok I'm chugging:
What's so great about Juelz is that he exemplifies the following quote (This quote is actually from Mark E Smith of the Fall, and the quote is taken from this book. Smith is actually describing himself in this quote, but he may as well be describing Santana, and if Santana took Mark E's spot, it would all be moot, wouldn't it?)

Actually, Mark E Smith should probably get to keep his spot. He's been holding it for so long, probably now is an inopportune time to relieve him of it.
The Fall - Repetition (1977)
The Fall - Blindness (2005) (Thanks to JohnAa for this one.)

Then again, Santana is pretty awesome, maybe he should take Mark E Smith's spot.
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
I guess it doesn't matter whether or not I think Juelz should come to take Mark E Smith's spot. This whole discussion is hypothetical. Anyway, the quote:
"Sometimes, you just know. You just know that something is right, or something is wrong. I have always... trusted my instinct, you know. And that's what it has always been about. Many, many clever people have failed to grasp this simple fact. This is the essence of the Fall and why there is no other band on earth like us. I may not always be right... and technically I am often completely wrong. And I have been inconsistent. There are times when I say something that might seem to contradict something I said a month earlier. But it doesn't matter because what I do is ride with instinct... And I have never compromised that, even during the spells when I have lost my way. It has been a wholly honest process... and it's true, you know. That's the point, isn't it? That's why all these wankers from the music press... that's why they couldn't actually get close because they wrote themselves away from The Fall. As soon as they tried to grasp it, the point was lost."

Yeah, it's fun to think about if Juelz took everybody's spot. But I totally paid a high price of drinking many drinks of this gross drink to think what I've been thinking. I better stop now before I barf on the internet.

Friday, May 27

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 7)

(Sigh. So today Michael McDonald & I are going to try to partake of the attractions at Epcot Center, initiating the healing of my debilitating Dipset addiction, hopefully without getting lasers blasted at us by Epcot's animatronic cyborg security detail.)

First thing Mike says:
"Hey buddy, you're not lookin' too hot. But I got just what you need."
And he pulls out a chrome-plated flask, embossed holographically with his likeness, and he takes a prolonged pull off its contents. Then he thrusts it in my face, jostling it side to side to ensure that I can see the chrome glisten and his holographic head-image wobble.

Killer Mike ft Big Boi & Sleepy Brown - My Chrome
"What's in it?" I ask.
"Well, buddy, only the most brand new secret Internet Google Internet Wine Cooler! It tastes like Bartles & James, but it's 333 proof! Just what you need right now!"
On the inside, I disagreed. I'm still hung over as hell from the night before. And while usually I'm totally invulnerable to peer pressure, with Michael McDonald... Well... He's such a terrific singer... And when it comes to secret Google, he's one of the best... So...
"Gulp gulp. COUGH COUGH!"
"Ha haa. Attababy! WOO! "

And with that off we go to Epcot. We start off in the Wonders of Life area. First up is Cranium Command, which involves entering the brain of a 12-year-old boy.

Shit, I wish I could command my cranium to stop wanting to listen to the Dipset! I wish I could command Michael McDonald's cranium to stop commanding my cranium to drink his wine cooler! I don't care if its secret Internet google cheat internet wine cooler! That shit is GROSS!

"Here ya go buddy, take a swig!"
"Dude, I don't want any! And I think you oughtta think about stopping too."
"OO... OK Mr. Player Hater! You don't have to drink any if you don't wanna. More for me, brah! GULP GULP"
Pimp C, Big Moe, & Big Boom - Mr. Player Hater

Next, we went to The American Adventure, a tour through various Disney-fied animatronic scenes from American history, guided by animatronic replicas of Mark Twain and Ben Franklin. It'd be hard enough to enjoy this if I wasn't feeling stupid for player-hating on Michael McDonald (something I never thought I'd do), but, to make matters worse, watching the animatronic Ben Franklin scares me down to my bones. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I think the animatronic Ben is about to attack me. I just hope that that fucker doesn't start blasting lasers at me. I think Mike is too drunk to defend me this time!

And I was thinking: Maan, those Epcot Imagineer motherfuckers have some nerve. Ben Franklin was a founding father, a scientist, a witty writer, and a suave ladies' man (despite being chubby and bald). How dare they replicate him animatronically!?! Have they no shame?!? Is there anybody out there whose spot they don't think they can fill with some crappy animatronic automaton? I mean, if they want to replace the whole human race, why don't they fill our spots with a real live person? Somebody better than us, capable of filling everyone's spot? Like Juelz!
Juelz Santana - Everyone's Spot
Judging from how well Juelz fills Luda's spot on the #1 Spot/Austin Powers beat, I think he's proven himself capable of taking over everyone's spot. Let him take Luda's spot, let him take Mike Myers' spot, let him take Snoop's spot, let him take Rakim's spot. And he's more than welcome to my spot. I have no doubt he'll do a better job of being me than I am doing right now! I can't even stop posting Dipset even though I'm supposed to be in Dipset Detox. At least Mike is too drunk to notice that I fell off the no-Dipset wagon again.

And then we went on this ride:

HOLD UP! Why are we riding past Golden Gate Bridge? Where am I? Am I at Epcot Center or am I home in San Francisco? Am I starting my journey of Dipset Detox all over again? Holy shit can you see how intense Epcot Center is they just blew my mind?!
Hall & Oates - Starting All Over Again (Screwed by OG Ron C)
(thanks to Pearsall for this one!)

Tuesday, May 24

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 6)

I will admit that Google Image Search is a useful tool for putting images onto your computer screen. But don't you wish you knew secret cheat Google Image Disguise codes like me & Michael McDonald, with which one can change one's own image? These Google Image Disguises come particularly in handy when one is about to visit a theme park guarded by animatronic cyborgs who want to blast lasers at you. Needless to say, our disguises had to be effective.

My first suggestion was:

Mike rejected this one for several reasons:
1) Disguising himself as Juelz Santana would probably impede his ability to rehabilitate me from being addicted to Juelz' music. A valid point.
2) Mike would feel wierd festooned in American flags. As troubled as he is by the direction our country is heading, he still feels enough patriotic sentiment to make him not want to wear the flag ironically. I respect that.
3) This outfit makes his butt look big.
Juelz Santana - Fat Bottom

Mike thought this would be a good idea:

Mike got this idea looking at these pictures which he found out about at the Tofu Hut. He felt this would frighten off any animatronic cyborgs, and would allow him to pay tribute to one of his personal musical heroes, Yamatsuka Eye
Yamatsuka Eye & Musica Transonic - New Six
I had to remind Mike that we were not going for scary. We were going for inconspicuous. Reluctantly he agreed this disguise would be ineffectual.
JR Writer - Close your eye

Then I recommended that we dress up as Paul Wall & Chamillionaire:

Paul Wall & Chamillionaire ft Archie Lee - Ms. Jackson freestyle
Mike had to remind me that Paul & Cham don't hang out anymore. The sight of the two of them together at Epcot Center would certainly arouse suspicion.

So finally we agreed to dress up like farmers.

The Seeds - Mr. Farmer

And off we went for what I hope will be a therapeutic day at Epcot Center.

Saturday, May 21

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 5)

Chamillionaire ft David Banner - Talkin' that talk

Ha... I want to talk that talk. In order to gain Michael McDonald's respect, I need to talk that talk. But right now my mind can't stop replaying the image of an animatronic cyborg replica of Michael McDonald busting into my room and blasting lasers all over the place, very nearly ending my life. I'd be dead if not for a timely rescue by the real Michael McDonald's secret Google laser blasts. I wish I felt like I could go out into Epcot Center with Michael McDonald today, and begin my recovery from my Dipset addiction... But now I'm just too scared.
Chamillionaire - Never Scared Flow

Shit. I am so not never scared. I'm so scared I'm scared that I might never be not scared ever again!
And it's all well and good to admit to the internet that, yes, I'm very scared of what might happen to me when we go to Epcot Center today. What if lasers get blasted at me and Michael McDonald can't save me from them?
There's just no way I can tell Mike about how scared I am. How can I win his esteem if he finds out how shook I am? I need him to teach me secret secret Google cheat styles. And I need him to sing his vocals on my new songs if they're ever going to be as jamming as I want them to be.

Jaheim ft Cam'ron & Juelz - Fabulous (remix)

I'm sorry. I know I promised not to post any more Dipset. But right now this track is all I've got to get me right for my day at Epcot Center with Michael McDonald. And it's just this one last time. You understand.

Thursday, May 19

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 4)

UGgghahghghghgh... Last night was rough...

I wake up feeling like my kidneys spent the night as the fulcrum of a see-saw with E-40 on one end and Big Moe on the other. Plus, what with the guilt and embarassment from my Dipset relapse in the last post, my conscience hecka stings too.
The Click - Hurricane
The Click - Hurricane (screwed by DJ Screw)
Screwed Up Click - Hurricane Freestyle(screwed by DJ Screw)

Maan, I bet Michael McDonald is so disappointed with me, I was thinking. I'm so dreading seeing him. When...


WHOA! Mike really is pissed! Holy shit he busts into the room blasting a big nasty lasermachine weapon all over the place... What the hell is going on? I mean, yes I feel bad about watching those Dipset videos in the last post, but does that mean I deserve to get wierd lasers blasted at me, first thing in the damn morning, nursing a villainous hangover? I mean: DAAMN! This is some vindictive rehab, Mike!

It feels like I woke up into some kind of hyperkinetic yakuza film, by, maybe, Takashi Miike, like, for instance, Deadly Outlaw Rekka (Violent Fire), which, coincidentally, features as its soundtrack the album Satori, by amazing early 70's Japanese psychedelic metal group, Flower Travellin' Band, from which the next mpfree happens to've been excised. The singer totally sounds like Ozzy, no?
Flower Travellin' band - Satori side 1

OH, but hold UP! That's not Michael McDonald! Looking closer, I notice that this fucker has a 1/2 animatronic head! HE'S FAKE! Epcot's tricky imagineers sent an animatronic cyborg replica of Michael McDonald to waste me!

Just in the nick of time, the real Michael McDonald bursts in, toting a secret Google cheat blastor. And it's a quick wipeout for that cyborg!

Thank goodness!
"You OK?" asks Mike. "We gotta be more careful about getting detected, buddy. There's lots more cyborgs where this one came from."
"Mike, what the hell? Aren't you supposed to be the secret Google internet cheat code guru? How are these imagineers detecting our asses?"
"You shut up," replied Michael McDonald, "Your wretchedly Dipset-addicted ass is just lucky to be alive."
Ouch. The truth hurts.

Tuesday, May 17

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 3)

Ugh... So after the excruciatingly wierd Disney Imagineers party, I'm supposed to go crash in my room. Hopefully tomorrow, Mike will start whatever it is his strategy for rehabing me is. But between severe intoxication, transinterinternet tavel and Dipset withdrawal symptoms, I find sleep pretty hard to come by. So I turn on the internet.

And it becomes clear once again that the internet is conspiring against my recovery:

Cam'ron ft Kanye - Down & Out (video)

AWESOME! The part where he says
"Sippin sake on a suzuki we in Osaka Bay"
And in the video, when he says that, they're on motorcycles! GENIUS!

But it all came crashing down when I looked to my left and saw Michael McDonald scowling in disappointment at me relapsing already.

And to make matters worse, I had unconsciously been doing that awesome hokey-pokey-esque dance from the end of the "Hey Ma" video

Holy fuck I'm ashamed!

IMPORTANT: Some incredibly awesome obscure Prince mpfrees are available for download now, but will leave the internet on WEDS NIGHT! You don't have much time! FWD this url to all your friends if you actually like them. Also, the incredible story of Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies is also on the internet, but it's fixin to be around for longer, so no rush on that one!

Monday, May 16

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 2)

IMPORTANT: You need to click this link if you wanna get some totally unbelievably rare and good Prince mpfrees. These mpfrees will leave the internet on WEDS NIGHT! Hurry up! Tell your friends! Also, if you don't understand how Prince records so much great music (and how he maintains that slim waistline) you gotta read about Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies!

HEY! So anyway, sorry for not writing sooner. Evidently, Michael McDonald's strategy for rehabilitating me from my debilitating Dipset Addiction entails a level of partying to which my liver & I have found ourselves unequal. Consequently, I've been too ill for the internet til now.

Ok. One might reasonably wonder: of all the potential people to rehabilitate oneself with, why Michael McDonald? Wouldn't it be better to go to a credentialed doctor like Bill Frist or Dr Phil? Well, you no doubt already know Michael McDonald as a singer with a voice like a Wookie that's died and gone to Valhalla (ie, if Valhalla were a place where all the cars were flying drop tops and where Neon & Silicon are present in abundances by which Mendeleev would be deeply perturbed (kind of like Miami(I'm gonna post a Dipset mpfree that will evoke in your mind just the kind of Valhalla-Miami that I'm trying to convey (I know I shouldn't do this because it's Dipset, but what kind of audioblogger would I be if I bypassed the opportunity to post such an apt mpfree!(Don't tell Mike please!)))))
Jim Jones - Summer with Miami

This next track, "Yah Mo B There", a collabo with Quiet Storm-trooper James Ingram, illustrates the awesomeness of Mike's voice, and how truly ahead of his time he was. This song, which is about the Man Upstairs, owes its slightly cryptic title to the fact that Mike & James felt that the music industry wouldn't accept a song with such explicit religious content. The music industry responded by awarding Mike & James a Grammy for Best R&B Vocal Performance with a Duo or Group, which just shows how pathbreaking an artist Mike really is, playing the religious persecution card long before Kanye or the Family Research Council.
James Ingram ft Michael McDonald - Yah Mo B There

So, yeah, for one thing, Mike's got a great voice. Also, in the community of Google-cheaters, Mike's quite a big kahuna. He looms large in the pantheon of personal heroes for me, and I really wanted to make a favorable impression on him. Knowing my eagerness to make him to like me, I figured he'd make an effective therapist.

Oh, also you may wonder: Why Epcot? Well you doubtlessly already know about all the awesome animatronic entertainers here at the Epcot Center. Well, you probably are unaware that Disney has developed a new line of prototypical autonomous animatronic beings. Eventually Disney intends to infiltrate and take over society with an army of animatrons, but for the time being, they are using the animatrons to fill many of the concessions, security, and Disney-character-imitating jobs here at Epcot. Which is sweet, because Mike knows some really bitching Google cheats that work like Jedi mind tricks on these animatrons, so we get free rides and lots of other free stuff here.

As soon as we get to Epcot, Mike tells me he knows a super secret Disney imagineers' party that he can cheat us into, and rushes off in its direction without asking me if I want to go. Which I don't mind at all. Mike does some cool secret Google moves that are too fast me to even see, and we get into the party.

So we get there and there's this wierd dude who I think is an animatronic robot with a fake Ronald Reagan head doing a wierd crystal ball show. I made a movie of it for you. (click the picture below). Combined with the disorientation I felt from transinterinternet travel, this performance frightened me deeply, but I pretended it didn't because I didn't want Michael McDonald to think I was a pussy.

So as soon as we get there, Mike starts chugging fluorescently colored grain-alcohol mixed drinks. I didn't want him to think I was a lightweight, so I start trying to chug them too. Drinking these drinks is deceptively easy, because the grain alcohol doesn't taste like anything when mixed with fruit punch. In fact the space-aged flavors of the mixers were probably the grossest aspect of drinking the drinks. Eventually I got really drunk. Between that and the Dipset DTs (DTs stands for Delirium Tremens), I was pretty defunct for the rest of the party, even when the DJ put on an awesome Lil Jon Kraftwerk/Planet Rock-style remix of an R & B cover of a Cyndi Lauper song, which would normally have me hoppin like a jackrabbit.
INOJ & Thrill da Playa - Time after time (Lil Jon remix)

But actually it was OK, because all the Disney imagineers were dancing all wierd, and I would have felt uncomfortable trying to dance my dances around them:

Mike wasn't dancing. He was like, "My niggas don't dance, we just pull up our pants..." which isn't funny at all but I laughed just to ingratiate myself to him.