Thursday, July 19

I found Michael McDonald (pt 11)

"JACOBY! Let me make you be less afraid of the internet! I wanna be a help, but I'm so afraid too!"

Morita Doji - A carrier pigeon (get some more of her songs)
Lil Wayne ft Peanut - Renegade freestyle (Smoke Sectionings)
Lil Wayne - Addictive freestyle

"I'm afraid -- I have a good strategy for helping, but what if you DON'T GET IT? Or it's even more scary too that if I explain it, you will get it, ALL TOO WELL."

He didn't say a word he just gave me just gave me a hang loose sign. And then he said, "HANG LOOSE, HOWIE. I want to help you help me, because it helps me to help you, and thus advances both of our ultimate end: helping Michael McDonald."
You know, I really was talking down on Dr. Jacobian because he's a hippy and because his therapeutic track record of helping is L after L after L after L, but right now he really doesn't seem that bad. His hang loose hand sign may seem haphazard, but when you really watch him do it for a while, you see the precision, like he really means it. It's really a powerful gesture!
"Ok, actually this is really helpful, I'm not scared."

"Man, it's a secret Olivia Newt trick Xanadutube, ok?"

"I took a youtube of Olivia Newton John and cut out the best part, where she sings "Wherever you go, you're the loser" (see below) 9 different times with imprecise excision which gives 9 different length footages, which then I upload to Youtube, from which I can set &autoplay & &loop equal to 1 and embed onto my secret Youtube blog, on which you can observe Olivia Newt rolling around and repeating herself but in different ways. "

Ronald Raygun ft Prophesy, Skorp Meta, and Torcha - Hoodrollaz
Mean Queen & Mike Mumbles - Headbanga divas ( Klub Krank Rock Music >= Crank Dat. get more W. T. F.uckeried @ Dirty Nation)

Dr. Jacoby is puzzled but he is about to click over into my strategy. I have to stop him!

"But wait, don't look at it yet! Sooner or later, the different length loops combine sooner or later in every possible way, but not every combination matters -- the real point is much more specific and less subtle!!!"

"Attune yourself to her singing the word 'Loser'. Because as she phases through her phrase, watch where everything lines up relative to her saying 'Loser'. Now, if you wait for long enough, eventually she will be saying 'Loser' in unison across all 9 players. Pay very close attention to this moment. Record it."

"Huh? Wait, is your strategy just to make me feel like a loser? Because sorry but that doesn't seem like much help."

All this explaining is making me more scared to continue explaining, but fortunately, even though I have confused him, Jacoby's still making the loose hanging gesture, now with additional arms. I mean I don't see Jacoby with extra arms I am looking at the computer but I can feel it, it feels like I am hanging loosely and I trust that.

"I am trying to make you feel like a loser, but only very temporarily. The moment the'Loser' correlation peaks, internalize all the Olivia Newt trick to make you feel like a loser. At that time, you are a total loser, adapt yourself to that. Because for every moment when the 'Loser' correlation peaks, there are many more moments when the 'Loser' correlation troughs into maximal anti-correlation, when you are totally not a loser. You have to know how it feels to feel like a total loser to know what it is to feel like you know you're totally not a loser. It's like 9 to the 9th power steps forward, and one step back. Repeat. You are harnessing the power of loop entropy maximization, do you feel it?"

Skorp Meta and Torcha ft Mike Mumbles - Muscle up

"I feel it"
Lil Wayne ft the Hot Boys - Shine
Lil Wayne ft Akon, TI - Eternal sunshine (I got 5 on it beat)

"OK, so you're not scared anymore, right?"
"I'm not scared anymore."
"OK, great, so now tell me: Who is the bad man coming to help us help Michael McDonald?"
"I can't."
"WHAT? But you said you weren't scared! If you're scared, don't say you're not scared!"
"But being scared was never the reason I couldn't tell you. Yes, I was scared before, and you helped me with that, but not saying the bad man's name isn't about fear. It's about the fact that if I say his name on the internet he will sue me for a sum of $ about which I will not be able to hang so loosely."
"So how will I know who he is?"
"When he gets here, you'll know, believe me."

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Friday, July 13

I found Michael McDonald (pt 10)

"Is it Olivia Newton-John?"
"OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN!!?? HOW CAN YOU THINK SHE IS EVILLER THAN DICK CHENEY?! And besides, what could she do to disabuse Michael McDonald of his Chewbacchanaliomanic delusions?"

Phreak - Acid On
Third World - Sense of purpose
Tyree - Acid Crash

"Oh I don't know... Her eyes seem to be very alert a lot of the time. Like too much of the time, and that seems possibly evil. Plus too, I hear she likes to get physical, if u know what I mean (;-P), & I bet that, moreso than any of your baloney, magic tricks, & psychological mumbo-jumbo, 'd help Michael Mickey D get right right quick, ain't that right, Mike?"
"Aaaa guhaaaa aaaaa uhaa aar rrrrnnn uhnnnn nnn uhnhh"
"Hey stop that! Stop fucking with Michael! And must you put down my psychological helping methods? How do you think that makes me feel? Bad enough we are waiting for this bad meaning bad badass man of whom I am scared so shitless. He is way worse than Dick Cheney & Olivia Newton-John, combined."

"I mean BAD! I won't say his name."

I'm fucking with Dr. Jacoby. I am, that's true. Not so much because he tried to make me lose face with his intra-facial oviposition methods, but because his psychobabble paleologisms failed so totally at helping Michael McDonald with his wookie self-identification, and then tried to blame me.
Also: I'm bored! For so long, we've been awaiting for this putatively-eviller-than-Dick-Cheney person who is (albeit also putatively) the only one powerful enough to help Mike not make animal noises instead of talking.
Freeky Zekey ft Cam'ron & Juelz - Daddy's back (c/o Nah Right)

Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Jacoby. After all, he's just a dumb old hawaiiophilic hippie and this is the internet, he doesn't know. How can he recognize that the only virtue is in employing a strategy of anarchy in which incoherence is used to flummox the opposition and confuse the mediums?
WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe he can. Maybe if I help him to. I should help Dr. Jacoby! I've been meaning to try to use internet to help people, both the people I hang out with in real life like Dr. Jacoby & Michael McDonald, as well as my fake life people who read blogs on the internet. Well, there is no time but the present...

"Hey Jacoby, while we're waiting, how about we go in the waiting room? Maybe I have a technique that can help you..."

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Thursday, July 5

I found Michael McDonald (pt 9)

Peedi Crakk - Aka Peedi Peedi
Peedi Crakk - Push it faster
Peedi Crakk - It ain't my fault
"It's not my fault!"

"Why should Michael McDonald care what it says in my blogs? Michael McDonald reads blogs? Michael McDonald reads my blog?"
"Is it really so surprising?"
"Yes! He was on my blog for a while, and then for a while he wasn't, "

"Yes, and you say things about Michael McDonald ." Jacoby continued, "Can you resist reading about yourself if it's on the internet?"
"Of course not, but.."
"Well, can you resist the internet's influence to color your self-image?"
"Well, no, but..."
"Welllll then. How can you say it's not your fault? You wrote that Michael McDonald sings like a wookie, so now he thinks he's a wookie. It's your fault. It's your influence's fault. You should be banned from the internet, unless you be more careful what you say."
"But I'm innocent, because I vacated my influence."
"Convenient. But I don't understand. Your influence is your influence. Who said you could say byebye to your influence?"

No noise reduction - Echo dogs
Lil Boosie, Webbie, Foxx, Big Head - Adios
"Well, it's like when Nixon says 'When the president does it, that means it's not illegal', or when Bush 43 says 'When America does it, it's not torture' -- I say: when I say it on my blog, it's not an influence. For anybody, and especially not Grammy-winners like Michael McDonald or Method Man. This is why I'm not influence: I blog about what is happening to me at the time, and that includes the mpfrees I am listening to and the giffords I am looking at. I know that some people like to read the internet, but I'm not one of these self-styled mpfree pundits, who think they can fabricate taste by licking each others tongues in an echo chamber, the internet. What's more, I certainly never meant to influence Michael McDonald to think he was a wookie, even though his voice does kind of sound like one."

Michael McDonald
"Well, Jacoby, at least we can agree that neither of us are helping Michael McDonald not be a wookie right now. What do we do next? "
"Well, I think I know of one man powerful enough to help us. But I must warn you, he tends to work, though, sort of on the dark side, if you will. Will you go to the dark side for Michael McDonald?"
"Of course! But who is it, Dick Cheney?"
"Ha, no. Worse. Much worse."

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