Saturday, April 30

Aks about me, I wave around the biggest dagger. Aks about yourself, you're the biggest slacker. Stop admiring minez and go get a swagger.

JR Writer - Gat man
JR Writer - 9 minute freestyle
Does JR sound hungry to you? You better listen to this 9 minute freestyle the whole way through. If you try to stop the mpfree, JR will come out of your iPod and bite your arm off. HUNGRY!

Thanks to all y'all who came thru 4 the Prince series. Good news: my bwoy Owen is going to let me use some of his server space, so soon there will be no more yousendit navigation. And I can use bigger animated gifs than photobucket allows, so shit won't be looking like this:

They'll look even worse!! OWWWW! Once I can get on his server, I'll upload all the Prince mpfrees to the server, so you can avail yourself of the expired files in 1/3 the hypertext. If you like Prince & you have any self respect, you will make sure to collect em all.

Go see Owen's band's The Sweetheart Attack and click on the heart that says, "Kill me." And by the way, know that this message is nearly literal. Hella neurotoxic mpfrees at that url. Hopefully you have your last will & testament worked out, because your gonna be reduced to autonomic reflexes after this. And you don't want Tom Delay to be all, "We have to save {YOUR NAME HERE}."

I'm going away for a week. I'm'a be in a NY state of mind tryin to get a swagger....

Click these pictures for some mpfrees that will dampen your brow and tickle your tonsils in my absence.

Pics and info here.

Thursday, April 28

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 5)


You may be confused. If you've not yet read pt 1 of this series, may I suggest that you do so now? Suffice it to say that at this point in the story (which I am able to tell you now because of secret internet google cheat code secrets) Prince has constructed a robot band, and is recording songs in an effor to lure his haplodiploid offspring away from Michael Eisner & Bill Gates.

Prince & his robot band toiled & toiled, trying to record the magic song that would free Prince's offspring from the pheromonal mind-control exerted upon them by Michael Eisner, Bill Gates, & their evil murine minions.

Prince tried guilt-tripping them.

Old Friends 4 Sale - Prince

No dice. No magic.

He tried to remind his drones & workers how much funner partying with him was than partying with Eisner. Eisner doesn't party!
Partyman - Prince

Again: futile. Eisner et al cackled cruelly.


& so now, Prince resolved to pull out all the stops. Seeking to record a song that simply described the state in which his young'ns were, Prince and the robots would use a style originated by a group of German men who had delusions of being robots, a style which when later sampled & recontextualized into an urban context, often inspired listeners to dance like robots! Can't miss, right?
Possessed - Prince

WRONG! Prince was stymied! Where was his magic song?


So, you know Prince is going to succeed right? But do you know how? I will tell you!
Oh, hold up real quick, I gotta go move my girlfriend's car. Blasted streetcleaning!

OK. Here's how Prince gets a happy ending. See, I may have given you the impression that Prince's utopian communist colony of arrhenotokically & thelytokically self-replicated offspring was perfect. I apologise. It was not! There was something subtly off about it. One of those things that is so big that when you're right up close to it, it's hard to see clearly. As he and his robots recorded day & night to make a magic song that would free his offspring, Prince began to get a nagging sense of something very wrong about his relationship with his offspring, something which the more he thought about it, the more he suspected that whatever this problem was, it was what was keeping his songs from being magic. Not Eisner.

But what was it? Prince's frustration and curiosity gnawed at his insides. Finally, Prince realized that he would have to listen to his conscience, or as Prince would call it, his "inside voice"
The Inside Voice - Prince

And now, thanks to totally awesome top top secret internet google secret search secret cheat code secrets (here's how it works:

enter this sequence via your mouse & keypad Soon you'll be cheating too!(may not work for PDAs or computers with trackball mice(sorry!))), I can reveal to you what Prince's inside voice looks like:

This is Prince's inside voice.

Prince's inside voice told him: "Prince, shame on you! You're no better than Eisner! When your offspring served at the whim of your musical genius, they were no less slaves than they are now, recording soundtracks for Michael Eisner. Maybe if you were thinking for once about what they wanted rather than what they could do for you, than maybe they would come back. If you love someone, set them free! Free free set them free!"

Prince realized that this had been the problem all along! Prince realized that if his offspring wanted to come back to him was totally up to them! At this point, Prince felt an incredible surge of well-being. A hippy might say that he had found nirvana. But Prince, being exceedingly more grounded than a stupid hippy and also into science, preferred to refer to his good feelings by an accurate description of their neural substrate: dopamine. And then Prince, being Prince, wrote an awesome song about it:

The Dopamine Rush Suite - Prince

And Prince's offspring heard the song. It made them feel good, because they knew Prince wanted them to be free and feel good. And it made Prince feel even more good that his offspring felt good about his coming around to respect and cherish their freedom!

It was a magic song!
Prince's offspring were free!
Prince was siked!!!!!! This is how he looked on the inside:

Many of Prince's offspring went back to him of their own free will. Others went on to autonomous careers in the entertainment industry:

And Prince was happy for them!


No. I'll do some more wierd Prince posts for sure. But not for a while.

Monday, April 25

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 4)


If you read pt 2 of this series, you will remember how Prince adopted haplodiploid reproduction to birth autopian communist colony of his own offspring.

A colony of Princes? What could possibly disrupt such an artistic juggernaut? Unfortunately, an inquiline with sufficient resourses and ingenuity to mimic Prince's pheromones could usurp control of Prince's beloved offspring and bring about Prince's tragic artistic decline. My secret internet Google cheat codes have revealed this depressing tale to me, which I will now blog for you.

No one person is evil, rich, and resourceful enough to perpetrate such a heinous act of larceny.
The unholy alliance of two persons -- Michael Eisner & Bill Gates -- sadly, was:

Eisner is 2nd from the left in these pictures. Gates is 4th from left.

Eisner & Gates parasitized the workers and drones of Prince's colony, and set to exploiting their unrivaled talents to serve the nefarious musical & sound design needs of the Microsoft & Disney empires. No longer would they bless the world with their virtuous renderings of Prince's compositions. Now they would record the soundtrack for "Snow Dogs" and "The Lion King on Ice". Now they would provide the sound effects for Excel's dancing trashcan robot & Powerpoint's dissolve transitions... As I type, I shudder at the injustice of it!


Prince, as you might imagine, was heartbroken. But do you think he gave up? Do you not think that this is a rhetorical question? Prince didn't cry like a little bitch. Prince got pro-active. Prince watched the movie Dr. Phibes .

& he jammed to the tunes recorded by Phibes' robot band, The Clockwork Wizards (streamable here ).

Like Phibes, Prince had been wronged. Unlike Phibes, Prince did not want to flamboyantly execute those by whom he had been wronged. He, as always, went from negative to positive. After teaching himself the most arcane inner workings of cybernetics, he built his own robot band, even awesomer than Phibes', and began to try to communicate with his stolen brood via the medium through which he knew he could reach them: music. To give you a sense of the depth of his science, check out these pictures:


Prince & his robots wrote & recorded songs about the topics that Prince knew were dear to the hearts of his young, and which would remind them of the good old days when they were his. Maybe this would free them from corporate control!
The topics were:
Electrical auto-erotic appliances:
Vibrator - Prince
Oneiristic incest:
Wet Dream Cousin - Prince
Wailin' guitars:
You - Prince

But, perhaps inevitably, Prince and his automata settled into working with each other. Here the group celebrates their harmony & mutual admiration, which grew to rival the bond Prince had shared with the stolen members of his utopian communist colony :
We Got the Power - Prince

As successful as Prince's robot band eventually became, Prince dreamed of freeing his offspring.

NEXT TIME: Will Prince free his offspring?!?! Find out in the 5th & final installment in this series!

Friday, April 22

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 3)


Do you remember what Prince looks like?

Prince is the one on the left.

You may've noticed that Prince is a very thin man! But have you ever wondered what is his secret? How does he manage to stay so dainty and still record amazing music 24/7? Well, thanks to my secret internet google cheat codes, the internet has taught me the secret! And now I will teach it to you:

Did you know that Prince was once very fat? Prince prayed and prayed that he would lose weight! He even painted a painting to help him discipline himself:

But Prince, as always, found an innovative solution to his problem. And he didn't do it alone:


Prince's secret are his endosymbionts, the bacteria that live in his gut. Prince's are very special. Prince cultivated his intestinal flora until they made his metabolism sufficiently miraculous to reduce the U.S.A.'s leading dieticians and microbiologists to tears of joy. Prince's endosymbionts allow him to subsist entirely on chocolate, caribbean jerk sauce, and neon!

Chocolate - Prince
Neon Telephone - Prince
Jerk Out - Prince

This diet not only gives him superhuman musical ability. It also endows him with superhuman speed!
100MPH - Prince

NEXT TIME: The dark years. Prince's utopian communist colony collapses!

Tuesday, April 19

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 2)


OK, so today I am going to reveal the deep secret behind the mysterious Prince symbol, and the startling effect that the symbol's secret meaning has had on Prince's mindblowing musical productivity!


What does this symbol mean? Somewhat of a hybrid between the male circle-and-arrow and the female circle-and-cross, the symbol by which for a time Prince was known seems to connote Prince's sexual ambiguity. What is Prince's sexual orientation? This is a frequently asked question. The truth is that this question is completely wrongheaded and besides the point! A clue to the real answer can be found in the following lyrics:

"I'm not your lover, I'm not your friend
I am something that you'll never comprehend."

Now, thanks to my mastery of secret Google internet cheat codes, I have contradicted this cryptic statement. I know comprehend what that "something" is, and what that mysterious symbol depicted above really means! And now, readers who read further will reap the fruits of my research:

As a young man, Prince was an avid apiculturist. And the bees he kept provided him with more than just sweet honey. They provided him with inspiration. Bees conduct business with greater efficiency and harmony than any group of humans with whom Prince had had the misfortune of trying to collaborate. Prince longed for collaborators with the dedication and loyalty that came naturally to bees.


And so, Prince decided to become a queen bee. This is the true meaning of the symbol by which he was once known. Prince familiarized himself with the discovery of Dzierzon -- male bees have no father. And so, by the application of his genius and work ethic, Prince taught himself to self-replicate by haplodiploid reproduction. He gave birth to unfertilized Haploid male drones. When these reached sexual maturity, he mated with them and gave birth to Diploid female workers. Prince thus birthed a colony of Princoid drones & workers, with whose help he could at last realize his artistic goals. They could also help him in constructing his dream home. And he would have no shortage of sexual partners, to boot.

Big Tall Wall - Prince
If I Had a Harem- Prince

But at this point, the reader must be wondering: Prince has managed to give birth to a colony of little Princes, who would be quite similar to him genetically and would have been brought up and taught music by him. Nature & nurture would have endowed his drones and workers with prodigious musical talent of their own. Why should they not leave the colony and make fortunes as solo artists? What about the free market!?!?! Surely they could all succeed on their own!


Surely. But, Prince of course knew full well that they would not leave him. Rather, it would be in their best interest to serve him. Prince had learned and understood the work of sociobiologist WD Hamilton and the rationale his work provided for the counterinituitive altruism of insect sociality :

"Hamilton's rule. The cornerstone of modern sociobiology is the simple, powerful notion that the costs of individual sacrifice in terms of fitness, divided by the benefit to the receiver must be smaller than the degree of relatedness between the two. This is expressed as C/B < r. Looked at in another way, Hamilton's rule states that if two individuals are very closely related, the costs of relatively large sacrifices by one for the benefit of the other can be justified in terms of inclusive fitness. W. D. Hamilton proposed this formula in 1964 and in so doing provided the most compelling rationale and explanation for social behavior. Insects provided most of the experimental clues for subsequent support of Hamilton's notion."

Prince's offspring thus had ample incentive to be loyal. Plus too he had hella pheromones to keep them from acting against their own best interests. In the track below, you can hear Prince & his offspring commemorating their cohesive & self-sufficient communist utopia, in a 30 minute long rendition of "I would die 4 U". The passionate loyalty can be heard particularly well in the bongoes:

I Would Die 4 U - Prince


NEXT TIME: Prince's diet secrets! How they allowed him to record amazing music 24 hours a day and still stay wafer-thin!

Monday, April 18

Prince's Productivity Enhancement Strategies (pt 1)

So, I recently acquired a compilation entitled: Prince - "The Work", a collection of Prince's demos, outtakes, and home recording experiments. Here's a story about it. I bartered for "The Work" on The Bone Trade by trading the cartilage of a celeb whom I am contractually obliged not to name. Suffice it to say that the bone trade is a great way to get obscure music and other desirable items. Here's an interview with a leading bone trader, from NPR I guess.


Listening to this music got me to thinking: how can Prince's unreleased, home-doodle recordings be of such high quality? How can one human being possibly be so productive? Seeking answers, I used secret Google cheat codes to access secret internet data about Prince -- his lifestyle, his philosophy, his biology. I will now share with you the fruits of my search.


One important thing is that Prince never did drugs. The online toxilogical data are unambiguous: Prince lived clean. In the track below, Prince articulates how his unique style kept him high on life, which partly explains his productivity, albeit to a very limited extent.

Purple Music - Prince

If you think "Just Say No" suffices to explain the Prince oeurve, then you are in for some surprises.


Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? A lucid dream is a dream in which the dreamer attains conscious control over the dream. The dreamer can thus contol the dreamer's own actions, and also sometimes the actions of other persons and things in the dream. Some gifted people are able to harness the power of lucid dreams to accomplish goals in their waking lives. Can you just imagine what that does for one's productivity? Well don't strain your imagination too hard! Compared to Prince's productivity enhancement strategies, working during lucid dreaming is as useful to ones' musical career as covering one's face in cole slaw! I.E., not very!

Dream Factory (Intro) - Prince
Dream Factory - Prince


NEXT TIME: Find out the secret REAL story behind the mysterious Prince symbol, and how it relates to his earth-shattering productivity strategies!


Also: Matt HoustonSoReal, on the vast left-wing conspiracy to publicize Houston rap to the cultural elite.

Saturday, April 16

Holla at me Bill!

Why'n'cha go ahead n' Enter the Piff? You deserve it!

U Ought to Know - Cam'ron
Cam'ron rapping over sped up classic rock is a formula of which i'll never tire! It will get your compyooter pyootin I guarantee!


Ceci n'est pas une JR Writer, a hungry & talented youngin coming up in the Dipset farm system. His style is completely derivative of Cam's, which if you think that's a bad thing you are doomed. Here are some tracks of his, from a release entitled: "The Legend (Goonie Goo Goo edition)" If you go to google, type in "hungry rapper" and press the I'm feeling lucky button, Google _should_ make the freestyle posted below come out of your computer. But in reality you get this instead. What can I say.. Google sucks. Not my fault! Google Goo Goo!

Freestyle - JR Writer
The Legend - JR Writer

But, much as I love JR Writer, u ought to know by now who the _real_ Legend is.

Also, do you understand why Hank Jennings is the only character in Twin Peaks with personalized theme music? Every time his mediocre malevolence manifests itself, his theme music plays. What's with that?

Friday, April 15

Welcome Secret Service Agents


I have to share something with you: I'm really insecure about my lack of blog traffic. BUT, I think that by posting the image above, I may be able to get the Secret Service to pay me a visit! Wouldn't that be neat?!? I bet hella people would visit my site then!

Isn't it great that our govt is so assiduously pursuing the real threats to our freedoms: Those pesky seditious artists & activist judges?

Real wars abroad are so boring! Plus it's so far away! Fake wars at home, however -- that's excitement baby!

But here is my favorite example of ficticious postage stamps:

And here are some pleasant songs for the Secret Service folks to jam to on their stop:
Gino & Elvira's theme - Giorgio Moroder
Cycle - My Bloody Valentine

5 o'clock but I stopped at 4:59


Citizenship is being exemplified by DJ Benzi, who has an incredible Pharrell, Sleepy Brown, & Big Boi track -- a sparkling miscegenation of Steely Dan-esque-ness and Dirty South. There's also a hot Fat Crack track, and a really high rez shot of Lucy Lu's nipple, and other things of that nature... Yeah...

Here's a hot mix entitled "Atownshakedown"(tracklist) by this gentleman, Minikomi, who here is styling quite enjoyably. Quite!


And, here's some Houston shit, by Chamillionaire's brother, Thundacat, whose mixtape was posted in its entirety at Govt Names, some time ago. The whole thing is great, but I hadda highlight this here cuz of those bozzonkers bongoes. Bongos?

Finally, I propose we Americans surrender our global hegemony. How bout if Japanese folks get a shot bein the boss? After all, they did produce the following incredible video (click the pic):

Would you like some more?

Thursday, April 14

the water's got me... KOOKED


UMM, OK, so hopefully by now you already went here and listened to Michael Watts' jamminjamminpoppinpoppincandycandycandycandy, about which I spoke at some length yesterday.

I spoke yesterday about putting up something by Fat Pat (whom you will have already heard by now on that Michael Watts' broadcast), and so I'm gonna go ahead and follow through on that:
Southside - DJ Screw ft Fat Pat


Dude's voice is audible opioids. The beat is also going down the same pathway, what with the Roy Ayers' piano riff & all. Fat Pat was part of the Screwed Up Click, DJ Screw's entourage of rappers, about whom you can learn more in this here DJ Screw interview.

Also: the internet has another Houston radio broadcast that's got me feeling:
And it is available here, the blog of Matt Sonzala, big Texas rap impressario and host of the Damage Control radio show. He posts up his shows there regularly, and they have been fantastic without fail so far. On this show, none other than Dizzee Rascal shows up live in the studio for a great interview, & some live freestyles that will make fire come out of your ears. Do not listen to them unless you have some flame retardant on hand. I am so all about your safety.

I don't want to have to go to your funeral. But I do want to pretend to have to pick an appropriate song to play there. How bout:
Booji Boy's Funeral - Devo

And if you become a zombie, I don't want to battle you, but I will if I have to. And with this song as my theme tune, you haven't a chance. The vocal harmonies are just too invincible:
Care of Cell 44 - The Zombies