I'm really worried about Michael McDonald

Several moments ago, I received a disturbing RM from Michael McDonald!



What you don't know what an "RM" is? Oh yeah, I forgot: you don't know about secret Google except for what I tell you on my blog!

"RM" stands for secret secret Google talk secret Retroactivated secret Messager internetsies. RM is like your IM or when you invade MySpace instantaneously with emoticons or whatever, except it's much much more instant. RMs propagate through interinterinternet particles at ann irregular speed, such that they travel backwards in time. Mike's RM came from several weeks hence (which, coincidentally, is when the next MMcD post-series will begin).

One part of the message was an enigmatic animatronic gifford Mike made by himself


I'm glad Mike's taking giffordogenesis into his own hands, but I dunno what those floppies are supposed to mean. I guess they're supposed to be sad, because read what the text of Mike's RM, of which here's a picture, says :

Yeah that's right, RMs are written on paper in composition notebooks. So in addition to being more instant than instant, they are also more organic. Also, you see how Michael McDonald underlined his name and wrote it in a different color pen. That's how you do links in RMs, and so, similar to internet links, when I touch the words "Michael McDonald" I go to Michael McDonald's webpage. Unlike internet links, in an RM I actually also think about Michael McDonald when I go to his webpage.

Hrvatski - Organix
Don't get jealous, maybe someday I will teach you how to do this cheatcode.

But doesn'tMichael McDonald's handwriting look wierd? I think he's still dancing to the Hardoff remix Epcot's imagineers threw at him.

Saying that thing about "Numbers are not just facts", Michael McDonald is alluding to Digby's post about this Post garbage, but the numbers Mike's talkin bout are the numbers his new Xmas album is doing, and those are some big numbers. So why does he say he feels bad? I don't know, and not knowing is all the more baffling!

I do know this: fuck whoever might want to talk down on Michael McDonald because his last 3 albums have been Motown, Motown 2, and an Xmas album (on Hallmark records!). Whoever is saying "What is he scared to songwrite the songs for himself?" Please! Ever since he was saying "Foreign Movie", Michael McDonald's credibility has been indelibility and it will be forever! So you need to just stop talking all that shit. Plus this Xmas album is hella good! Feel his FaLaLas:

Michael McDonald - Deck the halls/Jingle Bells
Michael McDonald - Auld Lang Syne/O Tannenbaum (Reprise)

And so that's the message Michael McDonald RM'd me. Michael McDonald has me so worried, because it's really unlike him to be so cryptic! Is he still planning revenge against the imagineers? Or is he too ashamed of those dances he was doing? I don't know what it means, and I couldn't write back to him to ask him to clarify, because he sent me the message from the future, and he hasn't shown me yet how to send messages to the future. I'm going to listen to his Xmas album a lot because maybe there's secret messages in it! But I'm really worried!

Can I just ask you several rhetorical Christmas questions?

Santa, do you know E-40?

E-40 ft B-Legit - Sideways

Bet you that n**** say:
'That's my homie'


Satan, do you know Dick Cheney?

Bruce Haack - Mean old devil


Bet you that n**** say:
'That's my '

The home ell securities visited today, on the internetsies (pt 2)

The securities kept asking questions that I kept not being able to answer to their satisfaction.

"We know what you said. See? Look at your voiceprint:"


"We can see your audio data because it's right there. But do you know what you were saying about the OVe-NaXx podcast?"
"No, I don't."
"Really? Take another look at the voiceprint:"


"What do you expect me to say? I didn't even know Resonance FM has all those hot podcasts, and I didn't have words for what I found in the programming of the You are hear podcasts:

"I mean, OVe-NaXx is human power in the flesh. On the internetsieses, I've seen his flesh and his blood. Almost a whole half-hour long mix with songs I never heard before?"
OVe-NaXx podcast for You are hear

"Ok, well then what about the free Cock Rock Disco compilation?

"Yeah, what about it? It's pretty great, especially what with that new Terminal11 track. Any opportunity to hear his drum patterning is a blessing in disguise, and the disguise, in turn, is also a blessing, itself also in disguise, but this latter disguise is a curse: the curse is it is only one song. Alas! Fortunately, there is also some Polackcore by Slepcy. Listening to this complilation really warms my heart and pumps it with supernumerary horsepowers . Probably I should get that diagnosed."
"May I ask you a question?"
"You may."

"Why are the securities bothering me?"
Missy Elliott - Beep me 911 (Screwed & chopped by OG Ron C
Peedi peedi & Trife da god - in the bushes
Peedi peedi - Invasion
"Well, in this post-9/11 world, we feel that we must do anything and everything that is in the Bushes' best interest, and that includes invading your earspace -- we want to know what you are listening to and what you are saying about it and to whom, because the awesome value of powerful music is well known by our leader:"


"But, why come here and visit me? You can listen to what I am listening to and read what little I have to say right here at my blog. Don't watch me, watch my blog!"

"Where do you think we are right now?"


THE END

The home ell securities visited today, on the internetsies (pt 1)

Today I replied to the the securities .


Keiji Haino and Tatsuya Yoshida - A voiceprint that longs to diplay evidence that it is over


"What we'd like to know is, what was the Fushitsusha movie you saw, and what did you say about it and to whom?"
"Um, this is the Fushitsusha video:"
Fushitsusha video (very big, yousendit link)
"Yes."
"But as far as what I said, I can't recall very clearly. I'm sure I told between 2 and 5 people that it was awesome, but that's about all I can remember."
"Hm. Are you certain of that?"
"Uh, I guess so, yes."
Keiji Haino and Tatsuya Yoshida - Making the excuse that "of course it is all for you"

"Ok but can you tell us what an Esraj is?"
"A what? No I'm afraid I can't."
"Can you tell us now?
"Ok yes now I can tell you what an Esraj is . It's..."


"What's the big idea with that myspace page? "
"No big idea..."
"You're damn right there better not be! Why'd you put that kind of talk up there?"
"It's... I.. Hey, I'm no threat! Just look how few friends I have. It's just for fun, it's supposed to be funny."
Milk from Cheltenham - Our Dictator
"We don't find it funny. We find it funny you find it funny."
"Ok..."

Keiji Haino and Tatsuya Yoshida - That which is prepeared is a psychiatrist's frenzy

"May I have a glass of water? I'm very hot."
"Yes."

Agallah & Smooth b - Make a toast

"May I have a jacket? I'm very cold."
"That's because the iceberg is singing ."
Singing iceberg mp3
"Why aren't you listening to that right now, Mr. "Dictator"?"
"I am listening to that right now."
"Hm."

How to make the giffords by yourself (pt 2)

OK, so in the last post I told you how to download ImageJ, an awesome and free image-processing application, as well as a couple of its free plugins. If you did that already, you could already be adorning the internet with your very own animated giffords .



And now in this post I'm gonna tell you about how I get some of the wierd animation effects that you may have noticed in the giffords that are all over this blog. But lemme make this clear: I'm only telling you how I do these effects so that you know NOT to do them. I'm gonna tell you all this so you know what to avoid! Oh yeah I said it! I'm only telling you this so you can see how I do it. Not so you can do it too. Don't copy my styles you people! I'll look up your IP address and then I'll come over and get you! Listen to that aggy Belgian fucker Sickboy now and hear my message real clear!

Sickboy - Copycat Homicide



HAHA! Just playing! Who cares if you copy me? Like that matters at all! I don't care if you use my gifford tricks to make giffords. I never cared! So whatever just go right ahead.
The Ex - Apathy Disease



SIIIIKE SIKE SIKE! Just kidding! C'mon you knew I wasn't being serious. Ok, the serious truly sincere truthful honest truthful truth is that I want to teach these math tricks to whoever wants to know them. These gifford math styles are dumb, but if you like them then I would be siked if you tried to use them yourself. Because really why should I be the only one to know these tricks? So I am sitting here writing up my gifford math style trick protocols, because I wanna empower YOU to do giffords too. So please do so because I want you to make giffords if you want to.

Clipse - Power



Ok. Ok. Ok. You're welcome.... OK! Don't get so emotional! If you appreciate the empowerment, that's cool. But just don't get all mushy about it! It's not like you can hug my blog. You can hug your monitor and that's fine, but your CRT or LCD is not really where my blog is, it's just what you use to watch my blog. I hope you know that! But if it makes you feel better, sure go ahead and hug your monitor if it makes you feel like you're hugging my blog.

Cam'ron ft Webbie - Huggin the block




Ok so as I said in the last post, the wierd mathy effects in my giffords come from Expression, a plugin written by Ulf Dittmer to allow the manipulation of images with math. Ulf has very nicely explained how it works at the plugin's website, with explanations of all the parameters, variables, and operators it works with.

When you set up Expression to work with the copy of ImageJ you've downloaded and installed on your computer, and when you open it from the Plugins menu, you'll see that it has many Presets, almost all of which allow you to make abstract math patterns. And they're cool. But the problem is that I couldn't use abstract math patterns to to make giffords do what I wanted to do. I wanted to take pictures of my favorite stars of the entertainment world and then use effects to make the pictures do wierd stuff.

Prince - Movie Starr

And even though according to Fourier's theory one could generate Michael McDonald's face just from adding up the right sine waves, I am not good enough at math to do some shit like that. Here's about as good as I can do with sine waves: .

But I do know how to use Google Image search , and so I figured out some equations which when plugged into Expression can make images do stuff. I'm going to show you some of these equations, and I'll explain them a little but not in very much depth. As equations go they're pretty simple, and if you're not totally scared of math you'll probably be able to figure how to use them without much trouble.




On the left is the gifford of K.L. Gifford I showed you in the last post. I made K.L. scroll in front of the Winnie the Pooh head just by copy & pasting her into different positions. On the right is another gifford which I made by using Expression on the gifford on the left. This gifford demonstrates one of the main tricks I use to make motion. Here's the equation I used, in the format of the Expression plugin:
r=r(x,(y+pow(t,2.91))%h)
g=g(x,(y+pow(t,2.91))%h)
b=b(x,(y+pow(t,2.91))%h)


You can see that the pixels in the original gifford accelerate upward. Nothing happens in the horizontal dimension, because the equation doesn't do anything to x. For the vertical dimension (specified by the variable "y"), you see the term "+ pow(t, 2.91)" which means + the slice number ("t") to the power of 2.91. What this does is redraw each pixel to the value of a pixel above, with the distance between the old and new pixels being a function of the slice number. This makes the image appear to move upward as a nonlinear function of time. And you see the term "%h" ? If the equation tells a pixel to redraw itself to a number higher than the height of the image, then it'll be trying to reassign itself to a nonexistent pixel, so that pixel will be blank. BORING. To avoid that boring blank space, the term "%h" (which means modulo height) basically makes coordinates higher than the height of the image loop back around to the beginning.

Also notice that the equations above are the same for red, green, and blue. But if the equations are different then you can make the red, green, and blue values move around independently, which looks like this:

Which is just the gifford on the right treated with these equations:
r=r((x+pow(2.1,t))%w,y)
g=g((x+pow(3.2,t))%w,y)
b=b((x+pow(4.3,t))%w,y)

Ok, so to summarize: adding numbers to an image's pixels' coordinates makes the pixels move around according to whatever function is being added. And if you use multiplication instead of addition it makes the image shrink:



r=r(x*pow(t,sin(pi*t/n))%w,y)
g=g(x*pow(t,sin(pi*t/n))%w,y)
b=b(x*pow(t,sin(pi*t/n))%w,y)

So this one shrinks by a factor of the slice number to the power of a sine function that goes through a half-cycle (going up & down) over the course of the stack, which makes the amount of image shrinkage go up and down over the course of the stack. And then the "%w" makes it loop back so there's no blank pixels. SEE?

So far, all the equations have involved making the pixels move as a function of time, but there are plenty of other variables you can use (a complete list is on the Expression webpage). To finish off, here's some equations in which the red, green, or blue values of the pixels are plugged into the equations.

r=r((x+pow(t,g/b))%w,(y+pow(t,b/g))%h)
g=g((x+pow(t,b/r))%w,(y+pow(t,r/b))%h)
b=b((x+pow(t,r/g))%w,(y+pow(t,g/r))%h)

Which does this:


I don't really understand why this equation does what it does. What I do know is that it makes Kathie Lee Gifford's forehead develop an ectopic pair of upward-scrolling magenta eyes, and so therefore I feel that this is a very powerful equation for the internet.

But here is an equation in which plugging in the r,g,b values does something I understand:
r=r((x*pow(t,0.4/(r+b+g+1)))%w,(y*pow(t,0.3/(r+b+g+1)))%h)
g=g((x*pow(t,0.4/(r+b+g+1)))%w,(y*pow(t,0.3/(r+b+g+1)))%h)
b=b((x*pow(t,0.4/(r+b+g+1)))%w,(y*pow(t,0.3/(r+b+g+1)))%h)



So, you see that the x & y coordinates are being multiplied so that stuff shrinks again. But do you notice that only the dark pixels are changing? This is because of the (r+b+g+1) in the denominatior of the term to the power of which t is being raised. The effect this has is that for brightly-colored pixels the denominator will be big so t will be raised to a very small power, but for the dark pixels the denominator will be smaller so only those pixels will be redrawn according to the shrinker function.



OK! So that gives you the gist of my main gifford tricks. I hope my explanation wasn't too hard to understand. Even if you totally hate math and have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about with these equations, I think you should still try it out. Download a picture of your favorite celebrity or animal species or whatever, turn it into a stack, pick expression in the menus, and try messing with the presets, and try plugging the equations I posted up into it. Tweak around the constants and the variables and the operators and if you mess around for a while I bet you will figure out something fun. So now everybody has the power to make the giffords. OK?

Eightball & MJG - Everybody shine
Prince - We Got the Power