Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 17)

"I've got it!"
"Whatchou got?" asked R. Kelly.
"I know how to help Michael McDonald! I remember this movie, Downtown 81, where Debbie Harry turns into a magic fairy when she kisses Jean-Michel Basquiat, and she gives him money and a car.."
"So?"
"SO! She must be magic! Maybe she can revive Michael McDonald for me, and tell you who _really_ left that rubber in your bed."
"Ok.." R. Kelly answered but his face was still skeptical, maybe justifiedly. I guess I can't be sure Debbie Harry's magic is powerful enough to cure Michael McDonald's brain: he's been through a lot of neurological trauma. I mean, it's pretty magical to give Jean-Michel Basquiat money and a car, but her powers will need to have improved a lot since them to help Mike.
Juelz - On da spot freestyle
Like, her magic will need to have improved as much as Juelz has since back in the day. Compare the freestyle above ("I will push ya brainy back/with this black stainy mack/you don't wanna play wit dat/I'm a fuckin maniac") with this old track where he raps over the Police's Roxanne guitars ineptly (he ends 7 consecutive bars with the word "winter"!) also it doesn't make Juelz look any better the others on the track are Trina, Pimp C, Bun B, Ludacris, and Cam'ron You've come a long way Juelz! I only hope Debbie Harry's magic has improved as much as your rapping!

I should say: I am with R. Kelly in the lifeguard office just outside the wave pool of Wet & Wild, the water park. We are looking out the window at Debbie Harry, who is surfing in the wavepool, but without a surfboard.

I am trying to find a way to help Michael McDonald, who is unconcious from bonking his head on a brick while riding a waterslide.

Just so you know.

R. Kelly and I have agreed to ask if Debbie Harry can help us with her magic.

But before we leave the guardroom, R. Kelly alerts me to the presence of another person in the wavepool. IT'S PATRICK SWAYZE!! He's sitting on a surfboard. I wonder what he's saying?


Whatever it was, Debbie Harry doesn't seem to want to hear it.

She waves her hand, and a massive shark leaps majestically from the waters. Even more majestically, it bites off Patrick Swayze's head. Most majestic of all, though, are the trajectories of the torrents of blood which surge out of Swayze's neck, fast enough to be high in the air before the shark even falls back into the water. Patrick Swayze must have had high blood pressure. The Wet & Wild wavepool runs red. Oh boy!
E-40 - Oh Boy
(You may have noticed the extreme disparity in quality between the shark picture above and the usual pictures you see here. This is no coincidence, but rather because this picture is by my friend "Bowlegg'd Dieter", whose pictures rule and whose talents seem to go on forever, kind of like the awesome synth-bell tones in this E-40 track. Thanks "Bowlegg'd Dieter"!)

So we go up and ask Debbie Harry to help us, and she's like, "Sure." The three of us walk over to where Michael McDonald's body lies motionless. She gives Michael McDonald a kiss.
Saigon - Kiss the Babies


Then, she starts singing like a crazy laser. I think this is because kissing Michael McDonald has allowed her to sample his brain signals, which she is translating by singing the laser beam vocalizations. It sounds _EXACTLY_ like
Pierre Henry - Fantasia
which Pierre Henry made by similarly translating brainwaves into music. The only difference is that Pierre Henry used a big synthesizer to make the brain waves audible, whereas Debbie Harry is using her voice. So they sound pretty much the same.

Debbie Harry's singing seems to have worked! Michael McDondald has regained consciousness! Also, he seems to be able to move his limbs again! He's not a phantom octopod anymore!!
And with that, Debbie Harry disappears. Damn! Her magic is even better than Secret Google!


But wait! She forgot to tell R. Kelly with whom his woman was cheating on him! Why is he looking at Michael McDonald so suspiciously! Does he think Michael McDonald left that rubber in his bed! Oh no!

I found Michael McDonald (pt 9)

Peedi Crakk - Aka Peedi Peedi
Peedi Crakk - Push it faster
Peedi Crakk - It ain't my fault
"It's not my fault!"


"Why should Michael McDonald care what it says in my blogs? Michael McDonald reads blogs? Michael McDonald reads my blog?"
"Is it really so surprising?"
"Yes! He was on my blog for a while, and then for a while he wasn't, "

"Yes, and you say things about Michael McDonald ." Jacoby continued, "Can you resist reading about yourself if it's on the internet?"
"Of course not, but.."
"Well, can you resist the internet's influence to color your self-image?"
"Well, no, but..."
"Welllll then. How can you say it's not your fault? You wrote that Michael McDonald sings like a wookie, so now he thinks he's a wookie. It's your fault. It's your influence's fault. You should be banned from the internet, unless you be more careful what you say."
"But I'm innocent, because I vacated my influence."
"Convenient. But I don't understand. Your influence is your influence. Who said you could say byebye to your influence?"



No noise reduction - Echo dogs
Lil Boosie, Webbie, Foxx, Big Head - Adios
"Well, it's like when Nixon says 'When the president does it, that means it's not illegal', or when Bush 43 says 'When America does it, it's not torture' -- I say: when I say it on my blog, it's not an influence. For anybody, and especially not Grammy-winners like Michael McDonald or Method Man. This is why I'm not influence: I blog about what is happening to me at the time, and that includes the mpfrees I am listening to and the giffords I am looking at. I know that some people like to read the internet, but I'm not one of these self-styled mpfree pundits, who think they can fabricate taste by licking each others tongues in an echo chamber, the internet. What's more, I certainly never meant to influence Michael McDonald to think he was a wookie, even though his voice does kind of sound like one."

Michael McDonald responded:
"rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh"
"Well, Jacoby, at least we can agree that neither of us are helping Michael McDonald not be a wookie right now. What do we do next? "
"Well, I think I know of one man powerful enough to help us. But I must warn you, he tends to work, though, sort of on the dark side, if you will. Will you go to the dark side for Michael McDonald?"
"Of course! But who is it, Dick Cheney?"
"Ha, no. Worse. Much worse."
"??"

I found Michael McDonald (pt 10)

"Is it Olivia Newton-John?"
"OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN!!?? HOW CAN YOU THINK SHE IS EVILLER THAN DICK CHENEY?! And besides, what could she do to disabuse Michael McDonald of his Chewbacchanaliomanic delusions?"

Phreak - Acid On
Third World - Sense of purpose
Tyree - Acid Crash

"Oh I don't know... Her eyes seem to be very alert a lot of the time. Like too much of the time, and that seems possibly evil. Plus too, I hear she likes to get physical, if u know what I mean (;-P), & I bet that, moreso than any of your baloney, magic tricks, & psychological mumbo-jumbo, 'd help Michael Mickey D get right right quick, ain't that right, Mike?"
"Aaaa guhaaaa aaaaa uhaa aar rrrrnnn uhnnnn nnn uhnhh"
"YEAH! RIGHT! MIKE. E. MICK. E. D. MIKE! E! MICK! E! D! U! PHYSICAL. UH! HELPFUL. UH HUH!!! CHEW BACK A LOREAL!"
"Hey stop that! Stop fucking with Michael! And must you put down my psychological helping methods? How do you think that makes me feel? Bad enough we are waiting for this bad meaning bad badass man of whom I am scared so shitless. He is way worse than Dick Cheney & Olivia Newton-John, combined."


"I mean BAD! I won't say his name."

I'm fucking with Dr. Jacoby. I am, that's true. Not so much because he tried to make me lose face with his intra-facial oviposition methods, but because his psychobabble paleologisms failed so totally at helping Michael McDonald with his wookie self-identification, and then tried to blame me.
Also: I'm bored! For so long, we've been awaiting for this putatively-eviller-than-Dick-Cheney person who is (albeit also putatively) the only one powerful enough to help Mike not make animal noises instead of talking.
Freeky Zekey ft Cam'ron & Juelz - Daddy's back (c/o Nah Right)


Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Jacoby. After all, he's just a dumb old hawaiiophilic hippie and this is the internet, he doesn't know. How can he recognize that the only virtue is in employing a strategy of anarchy in which incoherence is used to flummox the opposition and confuse the mediums?
WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe he can. Maybe if I help him to. I should help Dr. Jacoby! I've been meaning to try to use internet to help people, both the people I hang out with in real life like Dr. Jacoby & Michael McDonald, as well as my fake life people who read blogs on the internet. Well, there is no time but the present...


"Hey Jacoby, while we're waiting, how about we go in the waiting room? Maybe I have a technique that can help you..."

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 14)

Ok, so now me and Michael McDonald are going to afterparty after the Psychedelic Speed Freaks show. Mike met these two women,
who, like Mike & I, are secret Google cheat code internet cheat movers. They are taking us to a secret party place to party.

The secret party place is the VIP section of the Captain Eo ride. You didn't know Captain Eo had a VIP section did you? Maan, that's why you need to learn yourself some secret Google!

Michael Jackson - We are here to change the world (Cpt. Eo theme song)

Yes, and the Captain Eo VIP section comes equipped with some prototypical Transcranial magnetic stimulation-mediated virtual reality technology. Sure the musical adventures of Captain Eo in space have touched your heart. But with these hot virtual reality technologies, only availible to VIPs and secret Google cheaters, Captain Eo can use magnetic waves to touch you in your brains! Mike slides the magnetic coils onto his skull, and starts the magnetic oscillations.


But wait! Something here is real wrong. I would hope and even expect that the Captain Eo virtual reality might expand Michael McDonald's mind. But I don't think Michael McDonald's whole skull should be repeatedly dilating to 3-4 times its natural volume and contracting back to normal, let alone doing so at such a high rate that it produces an audible waveform.

The rapid distortions of Mike's skull sound kind of like the distorted guitar tone in this Soft Machine track but also kind of like the bass sound of this slowed down 112 beat that Chamillionaire is rapping over.
Soft Machine - Virtually
Chamillionaire - Peaches & Cream flow

And wait! Those girls are really Ninjas! Epcot center sent some ninjas disguised as girls to come and trap us! GODDAMNIT!
I'm gonna die!
Cam'ron ft Freeky Zeeky - Somebody's gonna die tonight


But the ninjas don't kill me. Instead, they leave a boombox behind.

I have to liberate Michael McDonald from that skull-dilating transcranial magnetic stimulator before it permanently damages him! But before I can help him, the boombox starts playing Juelz' part of
Cam'ron, Juelz, Jim Jones- What up Gangsta freestyle
Ohmigod, do you hear what Juelz is saying??!
"I'm part eagle, part seagull, that's a cuckoo bird"

"Just remember the words, I'm back like Revenge of the Nerds times 10 with the bird"

"I'm coup to coup with it, boy, stoop to stoop with it, boy. through the legs, hula hoop to the hoop with it, boy"


Oh shit! I got so caught up in envisioning Juelz' lyrical imagery that I up and forgot to rescue Michael McDonald! How could my Dipset problem get any worse? Are my values so warped that I would rather picture the words of Juelz than rescue my friend and hero Michael McDonald from magnetic brain stimulation gone haywire? But.. wait... Did he really say "hula-hoop to the hoop with it, boy"? That is so beautiful!

Oh shit! I got distracted again! Michael McDonald's brains are probably totally destroyed by now! I'm so ashamed of myself!