dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 20)

So, like I said, Michael McDonald is a human screwtape right now. Slowed down, Mike comes across as a very deep thinker, and we've had some very illuminating conversations. But now Mike's gotta speed back up. We have to go back to Epcot Center to get our revenge.


This is it - Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald (screwed) (This track brought to you by Nat ASilentFlute (THANKS DUDE!))


This is it! We gotta get our revenge. Those Epcot imagineers tricked Mike into bombarding his brains with magnetic waves and their animatronic henchmen almost blasted me to death with lasers! Also, they plan to replace everybody in the human race with animatronic replicas!



And, as cool as Mike is as a human screwtape, there's no way he can fight those Epcot imagineer fuckers all slow like this.
"Mike, we gotta get you back up to normal speed. It's time for some aerobic exercise. I'll put on some hot dance music for you to jam to!"
R.J.'s Latest Arrival - Aerobic Dancing (Keep Dancing) (screwed)

"Mike, what are you stopping for? KEEP DANCING!"
"But... I'm.... tired...."
"KEEP DANCING, MIKE!"

Wow, Mike is really out of shape!
"I... have... to... stop... dancing..."
"NO! KEEP DANCING!"
"This... is.... TORTURE...."
The Jacksons - Torture (screwed)
"Oh, c'mon, Mike! Since when was dancing torture? Don't be such a baby! Did I bitch when you made me chug so much Secret Internet Google Wine Cooler that I was hallucinating?"
"...."
"KEEP DANCING!"

OK, Mike seems to be getting back up to speed. Now, I just need to play him something really agressive to make him want to waste those Epcot Center guys. And who better to make you want to beat the shit out of somebody than David Banner?

David Banner - No Mo (Bitch What)
David Banner ft 8Ball- My Gun
(The first one is old -- from his 1st solo album, Them Firewater Boyz, Vol 1. The second one is brand new. I found out about it from Nick Catchdubs(Check for some more Banner over at Cocaine Blunts ))

WHOA! That did the trick! Now Michael McDonald is ready to throw down!

"Let's get em, Mike!"

dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 19)

Michael McDonald is talking real slow. R. Kelly headbutted him so hard that he turned into a human screwtape. And I know that may not seem like such a good thing, but I have to say that the slowdown seems to have benefitted Mike immensely.


Doobie Bros. - What a fool believes (screwed)
I've always held Mike's singing and his secret Internet Google cheat code secrets in the highest esteem, but, to be honest, I've never really thought of him as a particularly deep thinker. But now that he is talking so slow and so low, everything he's saying seems so profound! Was he always this deep at normal speed, and I just didn't notice because I listened too slow? I guess I may never know!



Michael McDonald - I keep forgetting (screwed)
So that you, the internet reader, can share in the amazing rennaisance that Mike's slow talking and singing has engendered, I have screwed some classic Michael McDonald 7"'s. Bear in mind that these mp3s sound almost exactly like Michael McDonald sounds to me as I am taking to him now. Depicted below is some of the equipment that was involved in bringing these slow mp3s to the internet.


Michael McDonald - Sweet Freedom/The Freedom Eights (screwed)

Has freedom ever sounded any sweeter? "The Freedom Eights" is the B side of the Sweet Freedom 7". Watch out for Mike's scatting!

Mike is also moving slow. I have lowered the frame rate of the animated gifs to try to convey this impression to you, but I regret to say that this file format fails to properly capture the stately elegance of Mike's slow movements. But if you watch the movie at this site, and replace the diapered trombonist's head with that of Michael McDonald (in your mind's eye, of course, unless you have an incapacity for mental imagery and the appropriate video editing software) and then you can see for yourself how graceful Mike has become.

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 18)

Oh dear! R. Kelly thinks Michael McDonald slept with his woman, that he (Michael McDonald) is the one who left the rubber in his (R. Kelly) bed, the rubber he discovered at the end of "Trapped in the Colset (part 4)"! And now he is acting on that incorrect belief by headbutting the shit out of Michael McDonald!

He's headbutting Michael McDonald's head so hard that Michael McDonald's head is flopping and deforming like an underinflated basketball! Now Michael McDonald is laying on the ground! & R. Kelly is pulling out his beretta! NO!

"NO! R. Kelly, stop it! Don't shoot Michael McDonald! He didn't do it!"
"I think he did!" was R. Kelly's response, lining up Michael McDonald already deeply-traumatized head in his crosshairs.
"No! Michael McDonald has been here with me at Epcot Center for over a month! Look! If you click this link, there is cold, hard proof on the internet!"
R. Kelly, as much as he was lusting for revenge, couldn't argue with the facts: Michael McDonald has an alibi. After going back and reading our entire Epcot Center story, he decided that it was probably the animatronic replica of Mark Twain who had cuckolded him, so he and his Beretta disappeared, seeking vengeance elsewhere.

But Mike was still lying motionless on the ground!
"Mike! Mike! R. Kelly's gone. He isn't going to be headbutting you or shooting you anymore. You can get up now."
"I don't wanna get up...... I'm such a failure..... You are still addicted to Dipset...... I let those ninjas disguised as girls bombard my brains with magnetic waves..... R. Kelly just whipped my ass..... I can't do anything right...... I don't wanna get up..... I wanna be down...."
Brandy - I wanna be down (screwed & chopped by DJ Screw)
Oh no! Michael McDonald seems depressed. And why is he talking so slowly? Did those R. Kelly headbutts damage his brains so bad that it turned him into a human screwtape? And why is it that I feel his sad words hitting me right in the heart? It's like when he talks so slow, my usual cynicism and insensitivity melt away, making my emotions more permeable. What he just said seems seems so unusually poignant to me. Maybe it's like John Wayne used to say:
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much."
Juelz - People use to say

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 17)

"I've got it!"
"Whatchou got?" asked R. Kelly.
"I know how to help Michael McDonald! I remember this movie, Downtown 81, where Debbie Harry turns into a magic fairy when she kisses Jean-Michel Basquiat, and she gives him money and a car.."
"So?"
"SO! She must be magic! Maybe she can revive Michael McDonald for me, and tell you who _really_ left that rubber in your bed."
"Ok.." R. Kelly answered but his face was still skeptical, maybe justifiedly. I guess I can't be sure Debbie Harry's magic is powerful enough to cure Michael McDonald's brain: he's been through a lot of neurological trauma. I mean, it's pretty magical to give Jean-Michel Basquiat money and a car, but her powers will need to have improved a lot since them to help Mike.
Juelz - On da spot freestyle
Like, her magic will need to have improved as much as Juelz has since back in the day. Compare the freestyle above ("I will push ya brainy back/with this black stainy mack/you don't wanna play wit dat/I'm a fuckin maniac") with this old track where he raps over the Police's Roxanne guitars ineptly (he ends 7 consecutive bars with the word "winter"!) also it doesn't make Juelz look any better the others on the track are Trina, Pimp C, Bun B, Ludacris, and Cam'ron You've come a long way Juelz! I only hope Debbie Harry's magic has improved as much as your rapping!

I should say: I am with R. Kelly in the lifeguard office just outside the wave pool of Wet & Wild, the water park. We are looking out the window at Debbie Harry, who is surfing in the wavepool, but without a surfboard.

I am trying to find a way to help Michael McDonald, who is unconcious from bonking his head on a brick while riding a waterslide.

Just so you know.

R. Kelly and I have agreed to ask if Debbie Harry can help us with her magic.

But before we leave the guardroom, R. Kelly alerts me to the presence of another person in the wavepool. IT'S PATRICK SWAYZE!! He's sitting on a surfboard. I wonder what he's saying?


Whatever it was, Debbie Harry doesn't seem to want to hear it.

She waves her hand, and a massive shark leaps majestically from the waters. Even more majestically, it bites off Patrick Swayze's head. Most majestic of all, though, are the trajectories of the torrents of blood which surge out of Swayze's neck, fast enough to be high in the air before the shark even falls back into the water. Patrick Swayze must have had high blood pressure. The Wet & Wild wavepool runs red. Oh boy!
E-40 - Oh Boy
(You may have noticed the extreme disparity in quality between the shark picture above and the usual pictures you see here. This is no coincidence, but rather because this picture is by my friend "Bowlegg'd Dieter", whose pictures rule and whose talents seem to go on forever, kind of like the awesome synth-bell tones in this E-40 track. Thanks "Bowlegg'd Dieter"!)

So we go up and ask Debbie Harry to help us, and she's like, "Sure." The three of us walk over to where Michael McDonald's body lies motionless. She gives Michael McDonald a kiss.
Saigon - Kiss the Babies


Then, she starts singing like a crazy laser. I think this is because kissing Michael McDonald has allowed her to sample his brain signals, which she is translating by singing the laser beam vocalizations. It sounds _EXACTLY_ like
Pierre Henry - Fantasia
which Pierre Henry made by similarly translating brainwaves into music. The only difference is that Pierre Henry used a big synthesizer to make the brain waves audible, whereas Debbie Harry is using her voice. So they sound pretty much the same.

Debbie Harry's singing seems to have worked! Michael McDondald has regained consciousness! Also, he seems to be able to move his limbs again! He's not a phantom octopod anymore!!
And with that, Debbie Harry disappears. Damn! Her magic is even better than Secret Google!


But wait! She forgot to tell R. Kelly with whom his woman was cheating on him! Why is he looking at Michael McDonald so suspiciously! Does he think Michael McDonald left that rubber in his bed! Oh no!

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 16)

Actually, the title of this post is almost completely misleading. I am with Michael McDonald, but the whole effort to be in Dipset Detox has been totally futile. My Dipset addiction rages on, the internet people continue to give me attention ,thus feeding the fire. You know my Dipset Detox isn't gonna work when Chris Lemon-Red, the undisputed internet-peoples' champ, sent me this hot Julez collabo with Brooke Valentine, along with permission to post (thanks dude!). So:
Brooke Valentine ft Juelz - As long as you come home
Even a person as special as Michael McDonald is powerless to help me. Plus, he's hardly in a mood to try to enforce my Detox and keep me from posting Dipset. Epcot's imagineers sent some ninjas disguised as girls to trap us. They fooled Michael McDonald into blasting his brains with a transcranial magnetic stimulator. As a consequence, Mike has four phantom limbs -- two phantom legs and two phantom arms:

So he's pretty bummed, as you would be too if you were a phantom octopod! As a consequence of having 4 phantom limbs, Mike has to ride in a wheelchair. And so before the imagineers could fuck us up any worse, we've fled using secret Google Maps interinternet travel cheats to get us to Wet & Wild, the water park. And so, contrary to what it says in the title of this post, we are not at Epcot Center right now.
It breaks my heart to see Mike so sad. Fortunately there are tons of sweet waterslides here to cheer him up. We're here at Wet & Wild after hours, so there are no lifeguards around right now. I'm a little worried about letting him Mike waterslide in his current condition, but I'd hate to deny him the fun of waterslides. Just be careful Mike!

Mike! Mike! Be careful! Go slow! (How do you slow down on a waterslide?)

He's really having fun on these waterslides! I just hope he doesn't injure his head any worse! MIKE! BE CAREFUL! Oh my god!! Look out for that BRICK!!!

NOOOO!!! This is the last thing I wanted to happen! Mike! MIKE!?! Are you alive? BREATHE!!
Paul Wall ft Archie Lee, Mike Jones - Breathe freestyle (screwed & chopped by DJ Michael Watts)
He's breathing, but he's totally knocked out! What am I going to do? There are no lifeguards here. I need to find some smelling salts or something. Frantically, I start scurrying around the deserted water park. Nothing in the snack bar, nothing in the kiddie pool. Wait! I think I hear somebody in the lifeguard office. The door's open so I go in.
Hey! It's R. Kelly! He's looking out the window with some binoculars!

"R. Kelly!" I exclaim, 'What are you doing here?"
He turns around ad looks at me and says "SHHHHHH!"
"What are you doing here?" I whisper.
"I'm stalking Debbie Harry."
Family Fodder - Debbie Harry
"Wha? Why are you stalking Debbie Harry?"
"Well," he says, "you remember how at the end of Trapped in the Closet, my girl says:

she says ok wipes her nose then asks me about a girl name tina
I thought to myself says it sounds familiar
then said that’ll I probably know her if I seen her
and then I said any way girl what the hell has that got to do
with this man
she said you know my girl roxanne
I said who the hell is roxanne
then she says roxanne’s a friend of mine
who knows this guy name Chuck
Chuck’s cool with this guy named Rufus
and I’m sitting there like what the fuck
then she says Rufus wife Cathy
we both went to high school
she introduced me to the policeman that stopped you?"
"Yeah, of course I can remember.," I reply, "I don't really understand that ending, to tell you the truth. It's really unsatisfying. The whole series really maintained a great level of narrative tension, but then the ending was totally disappointing. I don't understand why she goes through that whole string of people? Is there gonna be another song? Was she boning that cop or what?"
"No. Here's what I found out since the ending of part 5. That policeman had a twin brother. They were separated at birth, and yet they both grew to be policemen. The twin brother briefly had a rookie partner who was kicked out of the police force for disciplinary reasons. After being kicked out of the force, the partner briefly worked as a rent-a-cop at a Mall in Akron. A dude who worked in the Orange Julius at that mall had an aunt who was Debbie Harry's dentist for a couple of years. And so now, I'm trying to figure out how Debbie Harry fits in to my "Trapped in the Closet" story."
"WHOA. Um, R..... er... Robert.. uh.. Mr. Kelly..., I am not understanding this story! Slow down!"
R. Kelly - Bump & Grind (Screwed & Chopped by DJ Screw)
R. Kelly - Seems like you're ready (Screwed & Chopped by DJ Screw)
"What don't you understand?"
"Well, first of all, why are you stalking Debbie Harry at Wet & Wild?"
And he just handed me the binoculars and motioned for me to point them out the window.

Family Fodder - Debbie Harry
WOW! DEBBIE HARRY IS SURFING IN THE WAVE POOL! WITH NO SURFBOARD!
"How is Debbie Harry surfing in the wave pool with no surfboard?"
"I don't know," said R. Kelly, "but I'm gonna find out."

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 15)

Oh dear! I got so distracted by Dipset that I forgot to liberate Michael McDonald from the magnetic Captain Eo virtual reality brain stimulator! Why am I so easily distracted by Dipset!?! Michael McDonald's brains are probably toasted by now!

When I finally manage to wrest Mike's skull out of that evil transcranial magnetic stimulator, I have to wipe the slobber away from his mouth. He is definitely pretty messed up.
"MIKE! MIKE! Are you OK? How are your brains? Say something!"
"Thinky thinky thinky... it's kinky!" Wow! Mike is really damaged. I feel so guilty.
Amos & Sara - It's Kinky
"Mike! Mike! How do you feel?"
"Huh? Where am I? Why did you give me an extra pair of arms and an extra pair of legs?"
Oh My GOD! That brain stimulator fried Mike so bad, it must have rewired his the cortical representation of his body! Perceptually, he's acquired 4 phantom limbs! His mind is telling him he has 2 extra arms and 2 extra legs. Normally, people experience phantom limbs when they've lost a limb. I've never heard of somebody perceiving a limb that was never there in the first place! That is messed up!

THE INHUMANITY OF IT! THOSE EPCOT NINJA BASTARDS!!! His brain thinks he's an octopod! With all those extra perceived limbs, Mike won't be able to control his real limbs! When his brain says "move the left arm", his body'll be like "which one!" He'll have to ride in a wheelchair! NOO!!!

"I'll get those Epcot motherfuckers. If it's the last thing I do."
Vince DiCola - It's War
"Yeah, Mike. We'll totally get those motherfuckers. But now, we've gotta get outta here before those ninjas come back to finish us off! Where should we go?"
"I'm in a NY State of Mind. Let's head up there."
Cam'ron ft Fat Joe, Remy Ma - NY State of Mind
(yep, Cam'ron on Billy Joel again. hurry and download this one so you can hear Cam say "Call MOP I need more fiyah!/that's Billy and Fizzy/Dem niggas really get busy/it'll be rilly ah-rizzy/mac milly silly on sissies/chinchilly when chilly/I just grin I gotta be winnin/they all bitin, milli vanillies", because you will like it when he says that I know!)
"Yeah, that'd be cool, but since you can't move your arms and legs, you can't do any secret Internet Google Maps cheat moves! And my secret Google isn't good enough to get us all the way up to NY via the interinternet. My range can't get us out of the Orlando metro area."
"Ok ok. How about we go to Wet & Wild, the water park. They got the bitchinest wave pool in the USA! AND ALSO, WATERSLIDES!!!"

That does sound pretty sweet. Ok, time for some secret transdimensional secret internet interinternet Google Maps cheat style movements. Wet 'n Wild here we come!

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 14)

Ok, so now me and Michael McDonald are going to afterparty after the Psychedelic Speed Freaks show. Mike met these two women,
who, like Mike & I, are secret Google cheat code internet cheat movers. They are taking us to a secret party place to party.

The secret party place is the VIP section of the Captain Eo ride. You didn't know Captain Eo had a VIP section did you? Maan, that's why you need to learn yourself some secret Google!

Michael Jackson - We are here to change the world (Cpt. Eo theme song)

Yes, and the Captain Eo VIP section comes equipped with some prototypical Transcranial magnetic stimulation-mediated virtual reality technology. Sure the musical adventures of Captain Eo in space have touched your heart. But with these hot virtual reality technologies, only availible to VIPs and secret Google cheaters, Captain Eo can use magnetic waves to touch you in your brains! Mike slides the magnetic coils onto his skull, and starts the magnetic oscillations.


But wait! Something here is real wrong. I would hope and even expect that the Captain Eo virtual reality might expand Michael McDonald's mind. But I don't think Michael McDonald's whole skull should be repeatedly dilating to 3-4 times its natural volume and contracting back to normal, let alone doing so at such a high rate that it produces an audible waveform.

The rapid distortions of Mike's skull sound kind of like the distorted guitar tone in this Soft Machine track but also kind of like the bass sound of this slowed down 112 beat that Chamillionaire is rapping over.
Soft Machine - Virtually
Chamillionaire - Peaches & Cream flow

And wait! Those girls are really Ninjas! Epcot center sent some ninjas disguised as girls to come and trap us! GODDAMNIT!
I'm gonna die!
Cam'ron ft Freeky Zeeky - Somebody's gonna die tonight


But the ninjas don't kill me. Instead, they leave a boombox behind.

I have to liberate Michael McDonald from that skull-dilating transcranial magnetic stimulator before it permanently damages him! But before I can help him, the boombox starts playing Juelz' part of
Cam'ron, Juelz, Jim Jones- What up Gangsta freestyle
Ohmigod, do you hear what Juelz is saying??!
"I'm part eagle, part seagull, that's a cuckoo bird"

"Just remember the words, I'm back like Revenge of the Nerds times 10 with the bird"

"I'm coup to coup with it, boy, stoop to stoop with it, boy. through the legs, hula hoop to the hoop with it, boy"


Oh shit! I got so caught up in envisioning Juelz' lyrical imagery that I up and forgot to rescue Michael McDonald! How could my Dipset problem get any worse? Are my values so warped that I would rather picture the words of Juelz than rescue my friend and hero Michael McDonald from magnetic brain stimulation gone haywire? But.. wait... Did he really say "hula-hoop to the hoop with it, boy"? That is so beautiful!

Oh shit! I got distracted again! Michael McDonald's brains are probably totally destroyed by now! I'm so ashamed of myself!

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 13)

Ughhhhh... When I finally come to, everything is dark. I'm strapped into whatever chair I'm sitting in.
"Hey there, buddy. Bout time you woke up."
"Ughhhh... How long have I been out, Mike?"
"3 Days."
"What the fuck!?! Where are we? Why am I strapped down? Why is it dark?"
"The answer applies to all of the above: we're in fuckin SPACEMOUNTAIN MOTHERFUCKER! OWWWW!"
And, seemingly on cue, our car sprung into action. It was true. We were riding the roller coaster in Spacemountain, the world's only all dark roller coaster. This shit is totally sweet. I would love to send you an animated gifford of this experience but how could I? The internet is not equipped to adequately convey the sensory experience I am experiencing: it's all vestibular, plus the touch of the wind on my skin, and the whooshing past my ears. I guess I could've recorded the sound and made it an mp3, but who really wants to hear a bunch of whooshing around? You would have to be wierd to want to hear that!

After we left Space Mountain, we high-tailed it back to Epcot Center, because when you're in Orlando, and at a Disney theme park, the acronym you should live by is: Epcot Center Totally Rules, Everything at Disney World Excepting Spacemountain Totally Sucks (E.C.T.R.E.A.D.W.E.S.T.S (not easy to pronounce, and thus not so easy to remember, but nonetheless: CRUCIAL!)

Also, we have an extra reason to hurry back to Epcot. Mike says there is a private concert for the Epcot Imagineers: it is going to be a showcase of the world's greatest record label (other than dipsetmixtapes): Psychedelic Speed Freaks Records, a record label devoted to "free jazz and maverick rock" from Japan. This concert promises to be highly psychedelic! And Mike says he can do some secret Google moves to finagle us in!

Look at how psychedelic this shit is! It probably is freaking you out right now, and you're just looking at internet! I'm actually here! FAR OUT MAN!
PUKA-PUKA BRAINS - KODOKU NA GIITA IMASUGUKAERU
The first band we hear is Puka-Puka Brains, and they certainly do not disappoint. To me, this band sounds like Japanese Psychedelic Death Grunge. I'm not sure if that is a real genre yet, but if not I sincerely hope that it will be, soon. The singer sounds like Kurt Cobain if Kurt had cut his tongue out (like the blond dude in Ichi the Killer) and the guitar, sounds like... I don't know how to describe it.. Suffice it to say that it is better guitar than any Grunge guitars that I have ever encountered. After Puka-Puka Brains finish totally blowing my mind, I go to empty my bladder.

As I'm peeing, I'm thinking: "wow, I probably haven't gone this long without thinking about Dipset in like a year!" But then I look at the ads above the urinal, and Juelz starts taking the spots of the dudes in the ads! He's still comin to take everyone's spot!

Juelz - Everyone's Spot

ARGH! JUELZ FLASHBACK! ARGH!
He's even taking R. Kelly's spot!!!!
Juelz - Ignition freestyle

(I have to temporarily interrupt this fictional narrative to tell y'all an anecdote from the real world about that gif above. That's right: this story is not real, it is just pretend. I admit it! Sorry to bust your bubble if you were thinking this was real (it's funny, when I said I was so hungover that it felt like E-40 and Big Moe had used my kidneys as fulcrum for a seesaw, my Mom emailed me like: "You better not be having those hangovers!" HA HA HA! Sorry to embarass you Mom! But that is too funny! Of course the hangover was pretend! So were the laser attacks!) Also sorry to be interupting the narrative (but you definitely don't care, you're just here for the mpfrees. that's understandable: this narrative is not exactly gripping. It's no page-turner. Wait this is internet, so no pages to turn!! What is a compelling internet narrative called? A scroll-bar-scroller?!? What a sucky name!)
Anyways, the anecdote: I was sitting at a bar in the Charlotte airport, making this picture:

when the waitress walks up and says "SANTANA? You mean Carlos Santana?" And I'm like "No, Juelz Santana. Uh, he's a rapper." And she's like "A rapper? Say, who's that rapper... Like, Vanilla something?"
"Vanilla Ice?"
"No."
"White guy?"
"No. He was here a couple hours ago on his way to Myrtle Beach. I did shots of Tequila with him. He comes through this airport a lot. He wears a big, um, clock..."
"FLAVOR FLAV?!?!"
"Yeah, that's it."
"Ohmigod, he's a legend!"
"I didn't know..."
Yeah, so how funny is that? FLAVOR FLAV?!?! And yes I was making internet at the Charlotte Airport! What else am I gonna do? Check out my compyooter at the airport:

Ok, back to the story. Sorry for the interruption.).
Whoa! This Juelz flashback is intense. I might still be flashing back now, if not for the gut-rattling bass guitar I hear as the next band starts. I rush back out of the bathroom.
Ohkami no Jikan - (I don't know the track title)

Ohkami no Jikan (which means "time of wolves") is a side project of bassist Asahito Nanjo, better known as the leader of High Rise, the great Psychedelic Japanese Death-Garage Band.
"Mike, what is that awesome wierd rustling reverb on the bass sound?"
"That is the snare drums resonating, rookie!"
D'oh! I shoulda known that!

The light show during this part was pretty sweet:

AND HOLY SHIT THIS CROWD OF EPCOT IMAGINEERS IS JAMMIN' THE HELL OUT OF THESE JAMS!


But no light stimuli could prepare me for the ultimate awesomeness of the sounds of the band at the end:

Keiji Haino & High Rise - T.F.B. (03:59)
I will try to contain my excitement so I can type about this performance, but just trust me it is hard not to spazz out too hard to type. Keiji Haino sounds like he always sounds: like he just stuck the knife in his belly and he's so mad and sad he can't remember the reason why he disembowelled himself. Or rather, he can remember so many reasons but he just can't remember which.
And GODDAMN! Munehiro Narita, Mr. "Motorcycle Guitar" himself is also present and wailing just as one might hope.
DUDICAL! HOLY SHIT THE CROWD IS GOING UTTERLY BANANAS!

Man, maybe these Epcot Imagineers are not so bad! Sure, they sent an animatronic replica of Michael McDonald to blast me with laser attacks, but if they can get down to music like this, can they be all bad?

But as I'm sitting here trying to be all magnanimous, Mike is getting his mack on. He comes back with a couple of highly fashionable women. They are dressed up like prison inmates, but with no pants.

"Hey man, this lady here is also a secret Google internet Google cheat coder, and she wants to party! You wanna come hang out? She knows about a special secret party place!" he says, his eyebrows going up and down furiously.
Clearly there are two women here. I think Mike has drunk so much Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler that it is messing up his vision so badly that instead of seeing double, he's seeing half. I'm not really interested in partying with girls these days. At least not in the way that Mike is innuendo-ing I mean. I am very in love with my girlfriend, and thus quite spoken for. But maybe I can make platonic friends with these pantless prisoner women. Also, maybe they can teach me some secret Google! Plus, I don't want Mike to think I'm a loser. So I accompany them...

TO BE CONTINUED

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 12)

Prince - All my dreams
I continued to dream. All my dreams were in familiar narrative patterns, except Santana came to take the spot of all the dreams' cast members.
Juelz - Santana's Town pt II (excerpt)

Juelz - Santana the Boss
In this one part, my dream was like this Brazillian remake of Star Wars that I just ordered on the internet, but with Juelz in the spots of all the Brazillian Star Wars characters.

Juelz - What the Game's Been Missing

Eventually, Michael McDonald roused me. Immediately, he interrogated me: "Ok, slugger, you were out for a while. What'd you dream about?"
I tried to lie and pretend that the dream I had dreamed had been the dream Bowleg'd Dieter had had and had illustrated for me:

But when I got to the part where the fist beats the Cheetah, making the Cheetah shrink until it eventually becomes a pile of Tylenol PM pills, I accidently said that Juelz' face took the spots of all the Cheetah's spots and that the Cheetah, instead of turning into some pills, turned into several Juelz faces! What a crazy Freudian slip that was!

And then I was like:
"SANTANA SANTANA SANTANA SANTANA SANTANA SANTANA..."
Juelz - He's the one you're thinking of
And I might still be chanting his name now, had it not been for Michael McDonald delivering a much-needed slap to my face (like they do in the movies when somebody loses their shit and acts all histrionic). He slapped me hard enough to knock me out cold. As I descended into a dark, dreamless sleep, I was thinking about what if Michael McDonald's fingerprints (which may be permanently emblazoned on my cheekbone since he just struck me so forcefully) were replaced by Juelz' face?


Juelz - Everyone's Spot
Also I was thinking: what if Juelz took everyone's fingerprints' spot?!?! Imagine the implications that would have for law enforcement!

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 11)

John Cale - Big White Cloud
John Cale - Cleo

Ahhh... Drinking and nosepotting all that Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler made me pass out. Now I am having a dream about pretty clouds and hearing the lovely sounds of John Cale's Vintage Violence. God this is tranquil as fuck!! AND, I haven't thought of Dipset this whole time I've been out...

OH SHIT! SANTANA JUST TOOK THAT CLOUD'S SPOT!
Juelz - Everyone's Spot
DIPSET IS IN MY DREAMS NOW TOO!
Juelz - The Hood is back
Kool Savas ft Juelz, Jim Jones - Wherever I go (Kool Savas is German I think)
Cam'ron - Any way you want it
(Here Cam'ron is rapping over a Journey sample about his battles with gastrointestinal trauma "Ulcers hurt my salary, altered my personality...". I posted it before, but what the fuck I really like this one and I'm dreaming about it now, and so I have to bring it back to you like that. Fuck it - if you were here when I posted it before, you should take this opportunity to download it again. If you have two copies, then it's less chance you'll lose track of the file!)

Damn. This dream is pretty problematic. My addiction to Dipset haunts me even when I'm unconscious. But check out this wierd dream that my crazy friend Bowleg'd Dieter had:

John Cale - Dream Interpretation
How is Michael McDonald going to interpret my Dipset cloud dream? He'll probably make fun of me and think I'm a loser. Fuck that, I'm going to tell him I dreamed Bowleg'd Dieter's dream. That will make me seem less pathetic.

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 10)

" MIKE!"
Mike's been drinking even more Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler than me. He appears to have passed out.
" MIKE! Wake up MOTHERFUCKER! I am hallucinating some fucked up shit! HELP! PLEASE!"
Hell Rell & J.R. Writer - Fuckin' with a monster

" MIKE!"
"HUH!?!" Finally! He's awake.
"I'm hallucinating!"
"I don't give a fuck!"
Dr. Dre ft Jadakiss & Dante Hawkins - I don't give a fuck
" MIKE!" He had passed back out.
" MIIKE!"
Let me back up a second. Here I am at Epoct Center with Michael McDonald. He's making me drink Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler every time I think about Dipset, which I do often, as repeat visitors to this site will have noticed. In the last post I started seeing things. Now the hallucinations are getting worse.

"MIKE!!!"
"UNNHH?!! Ok, buddy, Ok. What do you see?"
"Well, I see this musicbox, out of which tinkles this little plinky little melody. And then..."
"Oh, just like that new Dre track you posted right before I passed back out," Mike, whose mastery of the obvious rivals his secret Google cheat code skills or his angelic crooning chops. "Hey, isn't it funny how Dre's productions lately juxtapose the uber-manly voice of the MC with mega-wussy melodic softness? Let's hope this mamby-pamby musicbox is the apotheosis of Dre's trend toward softness... How's he gonna get any more twee? Is he gonna get baby Ewoks to sing all the hooks on Detox? I mean.."
"MIKE!!! Shut up for a second! I'm not finished telling you what I'm hallucinating!"
"Oh yeah. Sorry, buddy."
"So, after a little while, a monster pops out of the music box. It looks like the body of the Cookie Monster, and it's got Cam'ron's head. I'M NOT FUCKIN WITH THAT! "
Saigon - I'm not fuckin with that

"Whose head?"
"Cam'ron."
"Who?" Michael McDonald stared at me blankly.
"Cam'ron... Cam'ron, motherfucker!!! The fucking DON of the Diplomats, the guy to whose crew you're supposed to be helping me not to be addicted!"
"Oh yeah! Him! Ha. I thought you said 'Cameroon'! That would be tough to deal with, what with the indomitable lions and whatnot! I got just the thing to fix you up." At which point, he pulled out a little earthenware thing. It looks like a really little teapot. "This is my nosepot. Pour some Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler into it, stick the spout into your nose and the pour the Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler in. You are so hooked on Dipset that just drinking Secret Internet Google Cheat Google Wine Cooler is not gonna be enough. We need to douse your olfactory epithelia directly!"
"WHAt?!? That makes no sense."
"Don't question me! You barely know any secret Google Internet cheat codes! Just do what I say if you wanna get better!"


So I did. And then the hallucination mutated into something altogether different!
Goodiepal - MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTATE

Goodiepal & Bjorn Svin - Sincerely Christmas


"Mike! Now the musicbox is making way too many notes and this wierd Amish-bearded dude with a lute is popping out! This does not seem any better!"
Mike laughs. "Ha. Y'all done fucked up, buddy!"
Juelz -Y'all done fucked up
"You were supposed to put the nosepot in your left nostril, not the right! Duh! Don't you know any secret Google!?!"
Of course! Why am I so stupid!?!? Embarassed, I did as he said.


And then the lights went out. I guess I passed out.
Tweet ft Missy - Turn the Lights Out (screwed & chopped by OG Ron C)