Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 22)

I told you that Michael McDonald's rage is becoming scary. And you remember how R. Kelly's devastating headbutts turned him into a human screw tape? And how I slowed down some Michael McDonald tracks to show you how he was sounding? I neglected to fully describe his recovery from being a human screwtape! Sorry... I can be so flaky sometimes!

Fortunately, Wayne & Wax has remixed one of my Michael McDonald remixes in a manner that perfectly captures exactly the way Michael McDonald is sounding right now. I forgot to say, when I told you before that Michael McDonald was back up to normal speed, that, really, he was only back to normal tempo. The pitch of his voice is still as low as it was when he was a human screwtape.

Michael McDonald - What a fool believes (screwed by me (unscrewedscrew-up by Wayne & Wax))( NOMENCLATURE UPDATE: the "unscrewed" terminology has been rendered inoperative. the preferred nomenclature is now "screw-up". please take note.OOPS. My bad. I jumped the gun on the nomenclature switch (SEE COMMENTS))
Mike basically sounds exactly like Wayne's remix! (I'll let Wayne explain the technology through which this miraculous decoupling of pitch and time is achieved).

With this husky, deep, almost infrasonic voice, it's like Michael McDonald has been mainlining some incredibly overpotent cocktail of male sex hormones! Say, maybe that's why he's all kirked out with vengeful bloodlust right now, acting like the Ultimate Warrior on steroids. I mean, more steroids. I mean, more better steroids -- next level affinity androgen receptor agonists.

J.R. Writer - Oh Girl
J. R. Writer - freestyle
J. R. Writer - freestyle


It's like he's suddenly turned into a vicious Drop Bear, a close phylogenetic relative of the Koala bear, which differs from the koala with respect to its deadly fangs and foul temperament.



I wish I could get the Koala bear version of Michael McDonald back, instead of this rampaging Drop Bear Michael McDonald. HEY! Maybe if I play him a soothing ballad, he will revert to the mellow dude he used to be!
Paul McCartney - Ode to a Koala Bear (screwed)



Hmm. No dice. He wants revenge on Epcot, and that's it. It appears that any effort I make to calm him will be wasted. Oh, and the fact that I used the word "wasted" in a sentence gives me a casus belli to invade your internet with this mp3 (do you not love how I weave these mp3s into my story? am I not a magician of words?), by Drop the Lime, the slamminest, singinest breakcore producer living today :

Drop the Lime - Live set at Wasted Festival

dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 20)

So, like I said, Michael McDonald is a human screwtape right now. Slowed down, Mike comes across as a very deep thinker, and we've had some very illuminating conversations. But now Mike's gotta speed back up. We have to go back to Epcot Center to get our revenge.


This is it - Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald (screwed) (This track brought to you by Nat ASilentFlute (THANKS DUDE!))


This is it! We gotta get our revenge. Those Epcot imagineers tricked Mike into bombarding his brains with magnetic waves and their animatronic henchmen almost blasted me to death with lasers! Also, they plan to replace everybody in the human race with animatronic replicas!



And, as cool as Mike is as a human screwtape, there's no way he can fight those Epcot imagineer fuckers all slow like this.
"Mike, we gotta get you back up to normal speed. It's time for some aerobic exercise. I'll put on some hot dance music for you to jam to!"
R.J.'s Latest Arrival - Aerobic Dancing (Keep Dancing) (screwed)

"Mike, what are you stopping for? KEEP DANCING!"
"But... I'm.... tired...."
"KEEP DANCING, MIKE!"

Wow, Mike is really out of shape!
"I... have... to... stop... dancing..."
"NO! KEEP DANCING!"
"This... is.... TORTURE...."
The Jacksons - Torture (screwed)
"Oh, c'mon, Mike! Since when was dancing torture? Don't be such a baby! Did I bitch when you made me chug so much Secret Internet Google Wine Cooler that I was hallucinating?"
"...."
"KEEP DANCING!"

OK, Mike seems to be getting back up to speed. Now, I just need to play him something really agressive to make him want to waste those Epcot Center guys. And who better to make you want to beat the shit out of somebody than David Banner?

David Banner - No Mo (Bitch What)
David Banner ft 8Ball- My Gun
(The first one is old -- from his 1st solo album, Them Firewater Boyz, Vol 1. The second one is brand new. I found out about it from Nick Catchdubs(Check for some more Banner over at Cocaine Blunts ))

WHOA! That did the trick! Now Michael McDonald is ready to throw down!

"Let's get em, Mike!"

Dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 54)

Wow.
Get a load of Michael McDonald! Just listening to this 24-hr long timestretched version of Beethoven's 9th is doing a number on his hostility -- just a couple days ago, he had nothing in his head but wanting to exact his bloody revenge against Epcot's imagineers.

The Floaters - Float On (screwed & chopped by OG Ron C
Now look at him -- meditating so well that he's sitting on air! I could never meditate like that! Could this be the reason why Michael McDonald is so good at secret Google cheats? He's even more tranquil now than he was when R. Kelly's headbutts turned him into a human screwtape.

HEY! What the hell is that guy doing here? Aw hell! I think the Dreamfinder set a trap by playing that intensely anxiolytic 24-hr Beethoven's thing to Michael McDonald, knowing it would be so therapeutic to his mind that he would become a pacifist. Way too chill to fight with that guy. . Especially with that guy's fists!


Oh. Wha...wait? What? Michael McDonald is gonna fight? Michael McDonald is gonna fight! This whole time he was meditiating he was inventing new secret Google cheat codes?
"That's right, buddy. In my mind, I was inventing new secret Google that whole time. I'm gonna make that guy's fists collapse!"
The Homosexuals - Collapsible You
Hey why is that guy sucking his thumb? Is that guy animatronic or is he human?

I found Michael McDonald (pt 3)

UGK ft Big Daddy Kane, Kool G Rap - Next up
Von S üdenfeld - The Young The Faceless And The Codes (= Mark E Smith + Mouse of Mars)
Scott Walker - Face in the crowd

I don't know what to do next. It used to come so easy, but now I can't decode Michael McDonald's facial expressions! And his vocalizations?
"Hharrrrrrrrrrrn,
Hurrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrr.
Aaaaaarrrrrrr
rrrrrrgggn."

See? Does he think he some type of animal? Forget about it. We've had communication difficulties before, he & I, like when R. Kelly headbutted him into a human screwtape, or when he was vocalizing aggressive laser chirp drifting panda skull sequences. Eventually Michael McDonald resolved those issues but this is just taking too long. It's been like what, a week now? A week & a half? TWO WEEKS!?!?!?! At what point do I just give up? IT"S KILLING ME.

Doris Norton - Bit killed hertz (get more here; recognize DORIS NORTON)


"Aloha."
"Dr. Jacoby?!?!"
"That's me."
"...Are you helping Michael McDonald with his problem?"
"Indeed. "
"What is his problem?"
He gave me an uncomfortable look, which I think is the look that means you should feel guilty but are too oblivious.
"Um... why don't you come with me into this other room..."

dipset Detox with Michael McDonald at Epcot Center (pt 19)

Michael McDonald is talking real slow. R. Kelly headbutted him so hard that he turned into a human screwtape. And I know that may not seem like such a good thing, but I have to say that the slowdown seems to have benefitted Mike immensely.


Doobie Bros. - What a fool believes (screwed)
I've always held Mike's singing and his secret Internet Google cheat code secrets in the highest esteem, but, to be honest, I've never really thought of him as a particularly deep thinker. But now that he is talking so slow and so low, everything he's saying seems so profound! Was he always this deep at normal speed, and I just didn't notice because I listened too slow? I guess I may never know!



Michael McDonald - I keep forgetting (screwed)
So that you, the internet reader, can share in the amazing rennaisance that Mike's slow talking and singing has engendered, I have screwed some classic Michael McDonald 7"'s. Bear in mind that these mp3s sound almost exactly like Michael McDonald sounds to me as I am taking to him now. Depicted below is some of the equipment that was involved in bringing these slow mp3s to the internet.


Michael McDonald - Sweet Freedom/The Freedom Eights (screwed)

Has freedom ever sounded any sweeter? "The Freedom Eights" is the B side of the Sweet Freedom 7". Watch out for Mike's scatting!

Mike is also moving slow. I have lowered the frame rate of the animated gifs to try to convey this impression to you, but I regret to say that this file format fails to properly capture the stately elegance of Mike's slow movements. But if you watch the movie at this site, and replace the diapered trombonist's head with that of Michael McDonald (in your mind's eye, of course, unless you have an incapacity for mental imagery and the appropriate video editing software) and then you can see for yourself how graceful Mike has become.